'You won't like me before my morning coffee', jokes woman who no one has ever liked

A WOMAN has joked that she only becomes likeable after her morning coffee, to the surprise of colleagues who hate her at all times of day.

Annoying marketing executive Carolyn Ryan claims she needs coffee to improve her personality but this is tolerated and even looked on fondly by co-workers. 

She said: “My friends at work know what I’m like with my coffee. I’m addicted! I need that caffeine fix to turn me into the Carolyn they know and love.

“It’s just a bit of fun that we all enjoy, really. I’m a bit of a joker around here and I love making them all laugh.”

However long-time colleague Lucy Parry said: “Not a day goes by where I don’t wish she would shut up forever. I can’t remember ever having any feelings of goodwill towards her.

“I’m not sure what kind of personality change she thinks happens, but whether she’s pre- or post-coffee, I cannot bear her witless chit-chat and bitchy office gossip.”

Co-worker Oliver O’Connor added: “We’re really surprised she thinks she’s anything but intolerable. But then her total lack of self-awareness is one of the many reasons we hate her.”

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'Glamping' just as shit as camping

GLAMPING is just camping with a wood-burning stove and a string of fairy lights, new research has found. 

A wide-ranging study has discovered that ‘glamping’ is just as deeply dissatisfying a holiday experience as regular camping, while being significantly more expensive.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The inclusion of a beanbag or some fairy lights did very little to take away from the fact that, at the end of the day, you still have to shit in a hole in a forest.

“Whether your accommodation is a tent you put up yourself or a traditional Mongolian yurt, it’s still just as unlikely to stand up to sustained wind and rain.

“It might have a wooden floor and a wood-burning stove. But when a stream starts flowing through your living accommodation, you’ll still end up sitting in the car.

“And many glampers even claimed to have had a worse time than ordinary campers, simply because glamping draws middle-class arseholes like moths to a flame.

“You can buy repellent for midges and mozzies. Sadly as yet there’s nothing on the market for men called Greg who work in finance, whose wives have their own jewellery business and whose children don’t eat sugar and need a bloody good hiding.”