I cut out gluten and now everything in my life is perfect

LAST YEAR, I was a wreck. Overweight, ugly, deeply in debt, trapped in an unhappy marriage and playing Russian roulette every Saturday night just to feel alive. 

And today? I have the looks of a model, am a millionaire dating a billionaire, and have just been named project manager at the Large Hadron Collider.

How have I achieved this miracle? Simple. I cut out gluten. And now my life is perfect in every single way.

Too good to be true? I thought the same before I stopped eating bread. Now look at me. I am a hot, successful and probably immortal human bathing in the glow of gluten-free beauty.

Did I mention I don’t eat gluten and I have to shop in that tiny aisle in Waitrose where they keep the food for special people? So what if it’s ridiculously expensive, flavourless and has kind of a weird texture?

I’m reaping the benefits of being the person with all the interesting gluten stories. Have I told you the one about how I used to get really bloated after a meal, and now I don’t?

Have I explained how much better my skin has been since giving it up? My skin, my body, my whole damn life.

I can tell you over dinner, although if the restaurant doesn’t have a gluten-free menu I’ll moan about it for the entire evening. I have so much more energy for moaning now. And a better immune system. And much healthier turds.

Wait don’t go! I need to tell you! I’ve cut out gluten and my life is perfect!

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Twat about to scan alcohol through a self-checkout

A TWAT in a busy supermarket is about to f**k up everyone’s day by scanning wine through a self-service checkout, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop put a queue of shoppers on edge by casually placing a bottle of Australian chardonnay onto the self-checkout as if it would not prove a major roadblock to all their plans.

Donna Sheridan said: “As soon as he plonked the bottle down we all visibly sagged and resigned ourselves to the fact that we’re in this for the long haul.

“He’ll get to the end, the light will start flashing red and there won’t be a supervisor to be seen. Even then he seems to be ignorant of social distancing so we’ll all have to watch that little dance.

“Why would he put us through this? The only way he could make it worse is if he suddenly remembers he forgot broccoli and pops off to get it.”

Bishop said: “I’ve bought booze through these things plenty of times and it’s always a tedious, drawn-out faff. But maybe it’ll be different this time.

“I’ve also just realised that I don’t have my wallet with me. But I’m sure I can work out how to pay on my iPhone. It’s always somebody’s first time!”