The pros and cons of running away to join the circus

YOU think about it most days, but how good would running off to join a circus really be? Here are the main pros and cons.

Work

Right now you work in an office and consider it soul-destroying. If you ran away and joined the circus, you could fly through the air and land on trapezes and be cheered by the joyous crowd. But also you might fall off the trapeze and die, or become permanently injured and have to sit in a booth selling out-of-date popcorn.

Love life

Right now you have a beautiful partner who puts up with all your moaning and makes you feel special, but if you ran away and joined the circus you could start a relationship with a knife throwing bearded lady or maybe a camel.

Strength competitions

You are obviously the strongest person in your office. That pretty much goes without saying. But if you ran away and joined the circus you would have to compete with an actual professional strong man. And trapeze artists are strong too. So are clowns and seals. They might beat you up.

So should I join the fucking circus or what?

It’s up to you really. You could just start your own circus in your spare time and see where it goes, although be warned that running a circus is surprisingly time consuming and lions need regular worming.

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Flexitarian diet perfect for people who like meat and total bollocks

THE flexitarian diet is perfect for people who love both meat and a load of bollocks, it has been claimed.

The plant-based diet has faced criticism for being completely meaningless for allowing you to also eat meat, but dietician Nikki Hollis believes it is the perfect choice for some.

She said: “The only part of the diet that can be hard to swallow is the complete and utter bollocks, but flexitarians are okay with that.

“If you’re concerned about getting all the nutrients you need on a flexitarian diet, don’t worry because you’re basically going to be eating the same things you were before.”

Professor Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies ascribes the rise in popularity of flexitarianism to people pretending to be worried about global warming.

He said: “It’s like saying you’re worried about the carbon impact of air travel, so you’ve decided to limit flying to just holidays and work.

“It’s brilliant, just brilliant.”