The real questions you should ask at the end of job interviews

AT the end of job interviews you are usually asked ‘Do you have any questions for us?’ and have to come up with some insincere wank like, ‘Will I be able to build a relationship with marketing?’

But what sort of questions should you really be asking?

“Will you spy on my browsing history?”

Pissing around on the internet protects the sanity of every office worker. You do not want this job if you can’t spend at least half the working day shopping on Amazon, playing World of Tanks and sending clown porn to your friends.

“What sort of cool stuff will I be able to steal?”

Is there a lock on the stationery cupboard? Can I help myself to loo roll? If so, how much? A roll here and there, or enough for the rest of my life? If I happen to find an iPad lying around can I give it to my boyfriend for his birthday?

“How soon can I have a pay rise?”

Short-sighted employers might think this shows you don’t give a shit about the job, but actually it proves you are highly ambitious with aspirations to be a high-earner. If it’s more than six months, tell them to fuck off.

“How many of your staff are total arseholes?”

A very reasonable question because you came here to get paid, not listen to Gavin droning on about the ‘UKIP revival’.

“How long did you work here before you started to want to kill everyone and/or yourself?”

It’s an honest question. Apparently employers value honesty.

“Shall we all just sack this off and go for a pint?”

They’ll probably say ‘no’ and kick you out, but if they say ‘yes’ then you’ve just found the best job ever.

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Time deliberately speeding up and slowing down just to f**k with you

TIME deliberately goes faster when you are enjoying something and grinds to a halt when you are in a miserable situation, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies discovered time gets a sadistic kick out of shortening pleasant experiences like a trip to Alton Towers and prolonging horrible ones like exams.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We used to think time was the subjective perception of the linear progression of events, but now we know time is actually just a massive bastard.

“Time appears to have a grudge against people. That’s why double geography used to feel like it went on forever, whereas sex is over before you know it.”

Time victim Tom Booker said: “I had to take a 10-hour flight last month which lasted 20 years. Then my two-week holiday lasted five minutes, before another couple of decades getting home.”

Time said: “I hate that wanker Booker. You should have seen it when I sped up his last birthday – he barely got to cut the cake before it was over. I was pissing myself.

“I hear he’s got root canal work booked for next week. This week is going to fly by then it’s going to be the longest tooth-drilling session in history.”