The self-employed guide to justifying ridiculous expenses on your tax return

IT’S tax time again and that means you’re probably tempted to put in some dodgy expenses. Here’s a handy guide to what you can claim, probably.

All the shoes you bought?  

Definitely. How did you get to meetings? If the answer was ‘by shoe’ then stick the receipts in with taxis and travel.

Your children?

If you’ve got a vague idea about becoming a children’s author, try claiming your kids are a ‘reference resource’. In a sense they are ‘equipment’ which incurs a lot of ‘maintenance’ so why not give it a try? The taxman probably sees loads of dubious claims for yoghurts and Pampers anyway.

Stag dos?

Yes. If one of the guys on the stag do hired you a month later that trip was work, even if you were hammered, two Es down and dressed as a Smurf.


Why not? Perhaps you came up with a great idea when you were covered in oil having your back rubbed, so technically you were ‘at work’. And freelancing can be stressful so massages prevent you having a nervous breakdown.

Your cat and all its bills?

Definitely. Your home is your office and your cat recently caught a small creature so technically Oscar is pest control. No one needs to know that the ‘pest’ was a chaffinch and you cried when you saw it.

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By smiling and whispering wife discovers she can call husband 'w*nker' in front of kids

A WIFE has discovered she can insult her husband in front of the children by maintaining a smile and whispering it. 

Susan Traherne would normally summon husband James into the bedroom to call him a w*nker, but the new technique allows her to do it in other situations.

Traherne said: “We’re both committed to not arguing in front of the kids at an audible level, but now I can have a go at him any time, even a family dinner.

“By using the smile and whisper method our kids have no idea that I just called my husband ‘a complete w*nker who makes the cat seem useful around the house’.”

Husband James said: “It’s great that Susan has found this way to pretend we’re not really having an argument.

“She can be a self-centred, spoiled cow, which I will be pointing out later using the smile and whisper technique.”

Son Jack said: “When Mum is really smiley we know Dad’s in the sh*t again.”