Friday, 3rd July 2020

'Today you'll be learning what a two-day hangover looks like,' says teacher

A TEACHER has turned the aftermath of her lockdown drinking into a valuable learning experience, pupils have confirmed.

Year 6 teacher Lauren Hewitt styled out the lingering after-effects of heavy drinking by turning her nauseous misery into a series of enriching lessons and experiments.

Traherne, in sunglasses, said: “Okay, first science. We’re going to time the dissolving of a Berocca tablet in a glass, then we’ll talk about how the liver filters alcohol in an attempt to kick mine into action.

“Calculating how fast someone my height and weight would metabolise two and a half bottles of Jacob’s Creek should kill thirty minutes, then before lunch it’s why you never mix wine and spirits.

“For the last hour we played Who Can Stay Quiet The Longest, and when the bell went off I raced out of the classroom so I could be sick in a plant pot.

“Oh, for the days when you could just chuck on a video and run out the clock. Now I’m expected to teach the buggers something and they haven’t even got exams.”

Pupil Joshua Hudson said: “This is easily the most useful lesson I’ve ever had. F**k the periodic table.”