'Today you'll be learning what a two-day hangover looks like,' says teacher

A TEACHER has turned the aftermath of her lockdown drinking into a valuable learning experience, pupils have confirmed.

Year 6 teacher Lauren Hewitt styled out the lingering after-effects of heavy drinking by turning her nauseous misery into a series of enriching lessons and experiments.

Traherne, in sunglasses, said: “Okay, first science. We’re going to time the dissolving of a Berocca tablet in a glass, then we’ll talk about how the liver filters alcohol in an attempt to kick mine into action.

“Calculating how fast someone my height and weight would metabolise two and a half bottles of Jacob’s Creek should kill thirty minutes, then before lunch it’s why you never mix wine and spirits.

“For the last hour we played Who Can Stay Quiet The Longest, and when the bell went off I raced out of the classroom so I could be sick in a plant pot.

“Oh, for the days when you could just chuck on a video and run out the clock. Now I’m expected to teach the buggers something and they haven’t even got exams.”

Pupil Joshua Hudson said: “This is easily the most useful lesson I’ve ever had. F**k the periodic table.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with IKEA?

IKEA customers queue for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?

How do you like to spend Saturday mornings?

A) A lie-in with my partner, followed by sex that is both enjoyable and cements our relationship.
B) Buying 400 tealights.

What is your idea of a good meal?

A) A roast with all the trimmings, a nice creamy vegetarian lasagne or a juicy steak.
B) Cold fish balls in a cardboard box.

If you were offered the opportunity, which of these activities would you prefer?

A) Drinking champagne on a yacht.
B) Walking for about six miles through an endless maze of bland Scandinavian interiors, carefully writing down long numbers, unsure if the experience will ever end or if this is Hades.

How would you build a house?

A) I would employ professionals to do that.
B) I would buy 35,000 bricks in cardboard boxes and cement in a different box then assemble it myself with wooden pegs to hold it together as my partner, afraid of my rising homicidal anger, leaves me.

What is the ultimate meaning of life?

A) A philosophical question like this cannot be addressed without lengthy reference to the works of Kant and Wittgenstein.
B) A £17 coffee table.


Mostly As: You are not hopelessly addicted to Ikea like some sort of furniture-obsessed junkie.

Mostly Bs: You are tragically obsessed with Ikea, and may contract the coronavirus because of it. But they do make very affordable Bjursta extendable dining tables.