The smug bastard's guide to sending greetings cards

DO you make friends and family feel guilty by always sending birthday and thank you cards? Try being even more irritating:

Get them in early

Nothing makes your lazy and disorganised friends feel worse about having missed your last 15 birthdays than receiving a card from you weeks in advance. Accompany it with a guilt-inducing text to let them know you thought ahead ‘just in case of delays’.

Show off your beautiful handwriting

Showcase your impossibly neat handwriting in a variety of beautiful inks to make your friends feel inferior. Why not go all out and use a calligraphy pen? Then you’ve proved that you’re not only more organised but more creative than them.

Include pets’ names

Including kids’ names is kid stuff. Hope a dog, cat or tortoise ‘is feeling well’ to really unsettle recipients who probably can’t even remember the name of your spouse. Pop on a paw print too for that extra puke factor!

Glitter it up

A card covered in glitter is enough to ruin anyone’s week, but to really upset them why not throw in confetti? It’s a gift that will keep on giving for years, perhaps even decades, as they continue to discover tiny cut-out balloons between the sofa cushions and hiding in plain sight on their forehead.

Send a gift too

If you really want to compound their guilt, send a present along with the card. That way the pressure begins immediately and only gets worse when they forget your birthday/new job/wedding. And make sure the gift’s just too big to fit through the letterbox to ruin their week with a stressful trip to a parcel office.

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School weird and frightening and also still shit, reports six-year-old

A SIX-YEAR-OLD has confirmed that the socially distanced school he has returned to is odd and scary while remaining crap and boring. 

Oliver O’Connor said that he does not like sitting on his own on a table with yellow-and-black tape around it, that Mrs Traherne’s face shield is creepy, that playtime made him cry and that reading is dull and maths is stupid.

He said: “Most of my friends aren’t here. We have to bring in our own packed lunch and play on our own in a hula-hoop in the playground. And Bradley who I haven’t seen since March is a poop from a bum.

“We’re not allowed in the corridor if there’s any other class there and they shout at us not to touch anything. It’s really weird and I don’t like it, and also I didn’t like it before.

“I’m going home and crying loads and pretending it’s making me damaged like I heard mum say she was worried about on the phone. It might be. Or it might just be school.”

Headteacher Margaret Gerving: “Come on England and send your kids to bizarro school, they won’t learn anything and they’ll give you COVID-19. Another great plan from the Tories.”