The smug bastard's guide to sending greetings cards
DO you make friends and family feel guilty by always sending birthday and thank you cards? Try being even more irritating:
Get them in early
Nothing makes your lazy and disorganised friends feel worse about having missed your last 15 birthdays than receiving a card from you weeks in advance. Accompany it with a guilt-inducing text to let them know you thought ahead ‘just in case of delays’.
Show off your beautiful handwriting
Showcase your impossibly neat handwriting in a variety of beautiful inks to make your friends feel inferior. Why not go all out and use a calligraphy pen? Then you’ve proved that you’re not only more organised but more creative than them.
Include pets’ names
Including kids’ names is kid stuff. Hope a dog, cat or tortoise ‘is feeling well’ to really unsettle recipients who probably can’t even remember the name of your spouse. Pop on a paw print too for that extra puke factor!
Glitter it up
A card covered in glitter is enough to ruin anyone’s week, but to really upset them why not throw in confetti? It’s a gift that will keep on giving for years, perhaps even decades, as they continue to discover tiny cut-out balloons between the sofa cushions and hiding in plain sight on their forehead.
Send a gift too
If you really want to compound their guilt, send a present along with the card. That way the pressure begins immediately and only gets worse when they forget your birthday/new job/wedding. And make sure the gift’s just too big to fit through the letterbox to ruin their week with a stressful trip to a parcel office.