Friday, 3rd July 2020

The smug bastard's guide to sending greetings cards

DO you make friends and family feel guilty by always sending birthday and thank you cards? Try being even more irritating:

Get them in early

Nothing makes your lazy and disorganised friends feel worse about having missed your last 15 birthdays than receiving a card from you weeks in advance. Accompany it with a guilt-inducing text to let them know you thought ahead ‘just in case of delays’.

Show off your beautiful handwriting

Showcase your impossibly neat handwriting in a variety of beautiful inks to make your friends feel inferior. Why not go all out and use a calligraphy pen? Then you’ve proved that you’re not only more organised but more creative than them.

Include pets’ names

Including kids’ names is kid stuff. Hope a dog, cat or tortoise ‘is feeling well’ to really unsettle recipients who probably can’t even remember the name of your spouse. Pop on a paw print too for that extra puke factor!

Glitter it up

A card covered in glitter is enough to ruin anyone’s week, but to really upset them why not throw in confetti? It’s a gift that will keep on giving for years, perhaps even decades, as they continue to discover tiny cut-out balloons between the sofa cushions and hiding in plain sight on their forehead.

Send a gift too

If you really want to compound their guilt, send a present along with the card. That way the pressure begins immediately and only gets worse when they forget your birthday/new job/wedding. And make sure the gift’s just too big to fit through the letterbox to ruin their week with a stressful trip to a parcel office.