'I lost my job because of coronavirus', says man fired for sexual harassment and daytime drinking

A MAN who claims to have been made unemployed by the pandemic was actually sacked for making inappropriate office advances while drunk. 

Martin Bishop lost his marketing job in February but is claiming to acquaintances and job interviewers alike that it was somehow a consequence of the lockdown, not being a pissed-up lecher.

He said: “I’m a victim of economic circumstance, like so many others. I won’t complain. I gladly made that sacrifice.

“Honestly I’m managing fine, apart from missing the camaraderie of the office, the lunchtime pints, chatting to the girls in the afternoon, all that.

“Sure, some things I don’t miss – all the bloody meetings with bloody HR about some stupid bloody misunderstanding – but I’ll be back on my feet in no time. Hopefully somewhere with a 3:1 female-male ratio.”

Former colleague Hannah Tomlinson said: “What’s he on about? He got kicked for hanging round the coffee machine with an open bottle of Baileys slurring at any women who came near.

“Oh, and emailing pictures of his dick. I’ve still got one saved on my desktop. I can send that out as his reference, if he likes.”

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How to pretend you used the last ten weeks for something useful

LOCKDOWN is kind of over, a bit, so you need a good spin on it for your CV. Try these seven claims:

Developed focused new skillset

Ten weeks ago, no way could you balance a family-size bag of Kettle Chips on your gut while scheduling an eight-person Zoom call. Now you do it every day.

Studied the ancient art of mime

Partly for essential gestures such as ‘Waitrose Greek yoghurt, full-fat’ when deciphering your elderly parents’ shopping requirements through their front room window, but mostly for miming writing answers while looking them up on your mobile during quizzes.

Business consultation for start-up with ambitious growth goals

Advised your friend Donna that now might not be the best time to start that pop-up selling artisan marshmallows skewers. Advice ignored.

Home-schooled challenging educational group to an excellent standard

You ran a tight ship and introduced firm, traditional concepts like History, Maths and Right, Both Go On Minecraft Dungeons While My Boss Calls.

Self-researched alternative medicine

When you had a migraine but the chemist was shut, who knew that the cure was 12 Jaffa Cakes and a shot of limoncello?

Effectively delegated

Your 82-year-old neighbour was going to the shops anyway and had the benefit of the dedicated 7am shopping slot. Picking up a few boxes of Stella wasn’t going to kill her, was it?

Connected with your real hopes and dreams in life

Most importantly, you realised during this unprecedented global pandemic that life is a precious gift and that deep down you always wanted to work with animals. Equipped with this new awareness and self-knowledge, you are preparing to continue being a credit control supervisor because you need to pay for your car.