We choose candidates based on their Religious Studies GCSE grade, admit employers

EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs. 

A survey of more than a 1,000 hiring managers at blue-chip companies has revealed that previous experience, interview performance and relevant qualifications are as nothing compared to top grades in religious studies and a Silver Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Manager Donna Sheridan said: “I’m currently looking for a head of IT operations, earning six figures. I don’t even look at the rest of the CV. It’s all about the RE.

“If you can’t memorise all the books in the Old Testament aged 15, why would I even considering hiring you? All that ‘ran a 400-person department’ stuff is chaff in the wind.

“It’s the same across all fields and all industries. Whether you’ve got a six-year record of success in a similiar role or a Phd doesn’t matter to us. Were you in the sixth-form debating society? Did you play a leading role in the school production of The Crucible? 

“That most accurately reflects what kind of employee you’re going to be. I don’t care if you’re 49 years old and have done incredible things since, if you weren’t on the school recycling council don’t waste my time.

“Anyway, this candidate got an A* in RE so I skipped the interview and just offered him a contract with no probation period. He starts on Monday.”

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Next Bushtucker trial to trap Farage in Schengen Area

AN upcoming Bushtucker trial will force Nigel Farage to endure confinement in a free-movement agreement between 27 Eurozone countries.

The task, planned to confront Farage with his greatest fears, will see the former UKIP leader fighting through swarms of happy Europeans as they promiscuously travel across one another’s borders without so much as a passport check.

A spokesperson for I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! said: “The Schengen Area is Farage’s kangaroo anus. He’ll be vomiting uncontrollably in seconds.

“His face will grimace and twitch in disgust as he watches mobs of EU citizens crossing between countries as if it was normal. And just wait until we dump a bucket of asylum-seeking migrants right on his head. Then you’ll see him squirm.

“Ant and Dec will be at the side, pointing out the free movement of people, goods and money that horrifies him, saying ‘And they’re all using the same currency Nigel’ while he heaves. They’ll even offer him a 90-day Schengen visa, knowing he’d rather die than accept it.

“All the stars will be placed in locations he abhors, like under a burgundy passport or in Brussels. Hope his campmates don’t mind beans and rice for dinner because, like in every by-election he contested, Nigel’s bringing home f**k all.”