Why we should have tax cuts that benefit me personally and nobody else, by a whole bunch of twats

TOMORROW’S budget statement is rumoured to contain tax cuts, but will they save you money or are they politicised bullshit? A group of twats give their views: 

Julian Cook, aged 49, consultant

“If Hunty wants to help Britain, he must eliminate inheritance tax. It’s punishing aspiration, families and high-earners with elderly parents who haven’t put their f**king house in trust even though I told them to bloody ages ago. He must act now. Spring would be too late. I can’t see them lasting Christmas.”

Norman Steele, aged 52, owner of printing business

“There’s only one way for the Tories to turn this around: no corporation tax on business income below £300,000, a threshold that coincidentally my business is just under. That’ll free up capital to invest in vital business stuff, like a BMW M4 or a jetski.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 70, retired headteacher

“It’s got to be the triple lock. We pensioners are the backbone of the country. We won the war, or if not the war the World Cup, so all money should automatically come to us then we’ll decide who can have our spare change. If it doesn’t happen I’ll go even more right-wing than I already am, which is very right-wing indeed.”

James Bates, aged 30, manager of the Ugg store in Covent Garden

“There’s literally only one tax cut the entire British people is crying out for as one, a cut that would put the Conservatives 20 points ahead in the polls ready to storm the next election, and that’s offering VAT-free shopping to tourists. God, the transformative effect it would have on this country. It would be like night and day.”

Boris Johnson, aged 59, newspaper columnist

“What does every sovereign citizen of these scepter’d isles own beyond doubt? More than mere property or possessions? They own their stories, their narratives, the thread of their very lives. Yet still ordinary, decent Britons writing their memoirs are taxed like mere profiteers. All autobiography profits should be exempt in perpetuity.”

Tom Logan, aged 34, street drinker

“Money off booze. Everyone likes a bit of booze. Make the booze cheaper and we’re all laughing. I would plough the extra money into a bottle of Tolstoy.”

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Colleague's tits suddenly bigger

A WOMAN who has been absent on medical leave has return to the office with, to her co-workers’ surprise, significantly larger breasts. 

Colleagues of Sophie Rodriguez are not sure how to broach the subject of her enlarged bosoms while feeling that it would be rude to say nothing.

Data analyst Tom Logan said: “Right. Thought it was a weird time for a holiday. Should we send a ‘congratulations’ card around, or what?

“I’m aware that commenting on a size of a co-workers’ boobs is frowned upon in these Me Too times, but you don’t go up to what we’re conservatively estimating is a D-cup and expect it to go unnoticed. Is ‘I think it’s great you’ve done that for yourself’ too polite?

“But cosmetic surgery’s not a new hairstyle. And I fear saying ‘ooh, I see you’ve had your jugs done, and just in time for bikini season’ might have me up before HR.”

Campaigns manager Helen Archer agreed: “We can’t ignore it entirely. She’s had to have her chair adjusted and I dread to think of her photocopying. But saying ‘Love your new massive badonkaidoinks, how much were they?’ seems inappropriate, even at lunch.

“Perhaps I’ll just motorboat her on the next night out. That should break the ice nicely.”