Jeremy Hunt to personally garrotte the chronically ill

THE chancellor has announced he will personally execute the 2.6 million people on long-term sickness benefits to reduce welfare spending.

Jeremy Hunt, who makes his autumn budget statement tomorrow, told media that every person suffering from a serious illness is a malingerer holding him back from making tax cuts.

Wearing black leather gloves and tensing a length of piano wire between his fists, Hunt continued: “It’s hardly a change of policy. If these people don’t realise we want them dead they haven’t been paying attention.

“We’ve tried cutting off their food or heat. We’re refusing them access to medicine. We’ve exposed them to COVID. But stubbornly, and against Britain’s best interests, they refuse to die.

“They have pushed us too far. Know that if you have an incurable illness or a hidden disability, I am coming for you. As you sit through assessment interviews, I will watch from the shadows. As you lie in debilitating pain, I will wrap a cord around your neck.

“As a compassionate Conservative, I will make it quick and painless. It is, after all, an act of mercy. And once the first million are done, I can eliminate inheritance tax.”

The press conference was then cut short when Mr Hunt, in a sudden rage, beat a man to a bloody pulp for walking with a limp.

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Cow delighted to be killed to make a big coat for a goth

A YOUNG cow has been excited to learn she will one day become a trench coat worn by a goth, it has emerged.

Three-year-old heifer Bluebell was thrilled to overhear that her hide will be repurposed after she is slaughtered to become a flowing coat worn by a moody man who exclusively listens to Cradle of Filth.

She said: “I thought I was only destined to become a few hundred burgers and loads of pints of milk, so transforming into a trendy piece of clothing is a real bonus.

“Ideally I’d magically metamorphose like a caterpillar into a butterfly rather than getting shot in the head with a bolt gun. I’ve just got a hunch that would be more fun for me.

“I shouldn’t be picky though. The only thing horses can aspire to is a pot of glue, which is much less glam. With any luck I’ll be whisked off to dingy second-hand record shops and the odd graveyard when my time comes.”

Goth Wayne Hayes said: “I’m already looking forward to pairing Bluebell with my creased Joy Division T-shirt and rank body odour, before finally losing her in a shit metal night’s cloakroom.”