THE chancellor has announced he will personally execute the 2.6 million people on long-term sickness benefits to reduce welfare spending.
Jeremy Hunt, who makes his autumn budget statement tomorrow, told media that every person suffering from a serious illness is a malingerer holding him back from making tax cuts.
Wearing black leather gloves and tensing a length of piano wire between his fists, Hunt continued: “It’s hardly a change of policy. If these people don’t realise we want them dead they haven’t been paying attention.
“We’ve tried cutting off their food or heat. We’re refusing them access to medicine. We’ve exposed them to COVID. But stubbornly, and against Britain’s best interests, they refuse to die.
“They have pushed us too far. Know that if you have an incurable illness or a hidden disability, I am coming for you. As you sit through assessment interviews, I will watch from the shadows. As you lie in debilitating pain, I will wrap a cord around your neck.
“As a compassionate Conservative, I will make it quick and painless. It is, after all, an act of mercy. And once the first million are done, I can eliminate inheritance tax.”
The press conference was then cut short when Mr Hunt, in a sudden rage, beat a man to a bloody pulp for walking with a limp.