Five late autumn days out that will make you wish you'd stayed at home

AS the misery of autumn gives way to the desolation of winter, there are plenty of awful days out to be endured. Including these ordeals.

A country walk

Enticed by the thought of frost on the grass and the brisk seasonal air, you’re tempted to venture out into the countryside for a five miler this weekend. Don’t. It’s f**king baltic out and the frozen, muddy ground will twist your ankles. Google ‘wintery scene’ instead and you’ll get the gist, minus the risk of being gored by a bull as you cross a field in the dark.

Early Christmas shopping

You might think it’s a brilliant idea to get a head start on your Christmas shopping by hitting the high street now, but unfortunately literally everyone else has had the same idea. Prepare to find shelves stripped of everything except the worst, most overpriced tat, before trudging back home and firing up Amazon. And even then you should’ve ordered all your presents in September.

A trip to London

You think you’re a genius for heading to London outside of the school holidays, but remarkably the capital is always overcrowded with hordes of tourists and kids in pushchairs. Enjoy jostling and shoving for the honour of sitting on a sweaty Tube train, then eating al fresco at a bitingly cold Covent Garden restaurant because they physically can’t fit you inside.

A National Trust property

After an uncultured summer spent sinking pints in beer gardens, autumn might feel like the ideal time to go look at a fancy old house. You’ve forgotten, however, that it’s impossible to feel relaxed in a posh entrance hall that’s bigger than your entire flat. Plus the volunteers are ready to boot you out for so much as breathing too hard near an ancient chest of drawers.

A jaunt to the seaside

In the summer, the sea is a stunning and romantic sight. In winter, it’s a visual metaphor for the futility of existence. It doesn’t help that all the nearby shops are closed for the season, making it feel like you’re walking through a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Enjoy eating an authentic English coast Chinese takeaway in your car.

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Men secretly wearing leggings

ALL men are secretly wearing a nice warm pair of leggings beneath their jeans, it has been confirmed.

As temperatures begin to plummet, every single man has covertly slipped on a pair of leggings under their jeans to provide an extra layer of toasty protection from the wind and rain.

Ryan Whittaker from Southampton said: “Who told you? I mean, don’t know what you’re talking about. Leggings are for girls, plus they’re really uncomfortable. I imagine.

“Men insulate themselves by wearing scratchy flannel shirts and thick hiking socks. Not snug cable-knit leggings they have to order from Amazon because they’re too embarrassed to buy them in person from H&M.”

Tom Booker from Hull said: “Okay, it’s true. Even blokes you’d never suspect like Jeremy Clarkson and the Rock pop on a pair of leggings come winter. And to be honest it’s the highlight of the year.

“The fabric feels great. They cup our butts and make them look amazing. The only downside is they make it a bit awkward to go for a slash. As usual though women are worse off, it must be a nightmare going for a shit in a jumpsuit.”

Housewife Donna Sheridan said: “So that’s why my leggings mysteriously reappear in the spring with the waists blown out.”