Six name changes your teenage band went through

ALL teenage band names follow the same humiliating trajectory. Here are the six stupid changes yours went through.

The profound first name

Heavily inspired by single-word band names like Oasis and Blur, your bedroom band idly flicked through the dictionary before settling on Inhale. You believed it made you sound all edgy and mysterious, but your mum thought it was a reference to how you lived in a posh part of Cheshire called Hale where footballers live.

The eco-conscious name

Following the explosive popularity of The Arctic Monkeys on MySpace, you shamelessly decided to copy them with a similarly eco-conscious name. Woeful efforts like See Lions and Ozone Slayer were mercifully rejected, as was The Desert Foxes once you realised the unfortunate historical implications. You settle on Furvana, which in your misguided opinion was great.

The controlling influence name

As lead vocalist and guitarist, you thought you should have final say on the band’s name. Sadly the world of music does not work like that. While you might be the only moderately talented member holding this passion project together, you use the drummer’s dad’s van to drive to your bi-monthly gigs in the British Legion. So you have to go along with his idea for a name: Hebblethwaite.

The psychedelic name

Having spotted someone scoring some acid after one of your gigs, you decide it’s time for your band to embrace Eastern religions and open its third eye. This results in the shameless Beatles rip-off name Brigadier Harrison’s Pink and Purple Teacup Factory. A record deal strangely fails to materialise and your keyboard player drops out to join a covers band on cruise ships.

The back-to-reality name

People don’t want faux-Eastern-mysticism, you rightly deduce after a three-month gig dry spell. This leads you to going to the other extreme and copying the likes of Pavement and The Raincoats by coming up with names like Bus Shelter and Manhole Cover. These don’t raise your profile either, and you start to wonder if you need to write good songs to be a successful band.

The final name

Final in that it’s the last name you decide to use before quietly abandoning your musical dreams and getting a job as an estate agent. Just make sure you wipe every trace of your failed ambitions from the internet or it will be really embarrassing when a colleague stumbles across your demo tape on YouTube.

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'It was worth it for the wild thrill-ride of success we've been on' says Everton fan

AN Everton fan has said the Premier League can deduct ten points but cannot take away the memories of his club’s incredible last few years.

Everton are second from bottom and face relegation after the deduction for breaching profit and sustainability rules, but Oliver O’Connor of Wallasey admitted it was worth the sacrifice for their successes.

He continued: “What are a few points and a 72-year record of top-flight football anyway? Compared to the joy supporting Everton’s brought me in recent years?

“The two-nil derby victory in an empty stadium during lockdown, our triumphant tenth-place finish that very same year, avoiding relegation with a whole game to go in ’22 and in the very last game last season, the list goes on.

“Alright, with results like that and buying players like Chermiti and Danjuma it was clear we were living beyond our means. We went on a no-holds-barred trolley dash through the best and brightest players in the world, and that doesn’t come for free.

“Still, with glamour signings like Conor Coady and former Burnley boss Sean Dyche at the helm, to the envy of all Europe, at least we can say we lived the dream. The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

“These were our glory days. I’m just glad I was here to see them.”