Wetherspoons barmaid looking forward to quiet, civilised Saturday evening shift

A WETHERSPOONS barmaid is looking forward to a chilled, stress-free shift this evening, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford, aged 21, who works at The Ash Tree in Ashton-under-Lyne, is hoping she can catch up on her college reading in between occasional, polite customers.

She said: “Not much danger of a busy shift tonight. What with Eurovision and Britain’s Got Talent, I reckon most people will be staying in.

“Normally I do daytimes, which is all old blokes but they put them away. There’s always one at the bar. Yesterday it took me ten minutes to send a text.

“I managed to swap this one with Carl, who seemed really grateful to have the night off. I don’t think he’s someone who likes to be alone with his thoughts while I get overwhelmed when it’s busy, so it suits both of us.

“I’m hoping I’ll get off early because I can’t imagine they’ll be anyone in here after 10pm. That’s bedtime. You’ve basically ruined your Sunday if you’re up later than that.”

She added: “I need the work though, because I’m saving for a really relaxing, mellow and spiritual trip to Magaluf with the girls.”

Builders actually intellectual ponces when you're not around

BUILDERS’ blokey behaviour is put on to disguise their pretentious cultural interests, it has emerged.

When other people are not around they drop the facade and passionately discuss their true interests, such as ballet, the works of Mahler and avant-garde theatre.

Brickie Roy Hobbs said: “People expect certain behaviour from builders, so for the sake of business we tend to be a bit shouty and laddish.

“But when homeowners aren’t around we enjoy erudite badinage about the subjects that truly make our hearts sing, such as the new Verdi at the Royal Opera House.

“I hear that to miss Richard Eyre’s La Traviata would be simply criminal.

“When people see me calling Lee a wanker for supporting Villa, they don’t realise we really want to get back to discussing the modernist play we’re co-writing in the style of Beckett.”

Homeowner Mary Fisher said: “I was sure I could hear someone in the back garden arguing that Fellini was the true genius and Truffaut was ‘merely a third-rate technician’.

“But when I looked out all I could see was the builders working on our extension laughing about tits.”