'What is this shithole and who the f**k are you twats?' asks bewildered man in office

A CONFUSED man who has returned to his office after a fortnight off wants to know why he is in this shithole and who all the twats are. 

Martin Bishop arrived at the unfamiliar building, where his wife informed him he used to work, at 9am  and immediately voiced his horror at both the location and the company. 

He added: “Let’s not piss about. There’s clearly been some kind of terrible mistake. 

“This nondescript office block reeks of despair and wasted lives. And just the expressions on your grotesque, soulless faces tell me that you are people easy to hate and impossible to avoid. 

“But apparently I’m meant to spend a minimum of 37 hour a week in this shit-pit? With you wankers? Every week? 

“Surely not. I’m a man who only rises at 10am after a long sleep, leisurely flicks the television on while munching Heroes, and has a beer with lunch. This life of toil and misery is alien to me. I hate the lot of you. This sucks.” 

Colleague Joanna Kramer said: “This happens every year. And by lunchtime, Martin’s remembered that he’s the biggest twat of them all.” 

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Does sleeping count as not drinking? asks Britain

BRITAIN would like to know if being fast asleep counts as time off the drink.

As experts once again made it their business to recommend two alcohol free days a week, Britain reckoned it would probably be okay to do it on a pro-rata basis.

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: “I sleep for about eight hours a night, I spend 10 minutes per day in the shower, then there’s the bus to work and I generally stay off the sherbert until about 12-ish.

“So five 10s are 50 plus two and a half hours plus 20 hours and then seven nights a week at eight hours a night makes, let’s see – sorry, I’m a bit hungover – anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s more than 48 so that’s me government approved.”

Roy Hobbs, from Darlington, said: “I don’t drink on Mondays. Monday is Skunk Day. So I suppose I could just make Tuesday Skunk Day as well. Splendid. Now the experts will think I’m great.”

Helen Archer, from Hatfield, added: “I do drink at my desk in the afternoons, but it’s just a couple of mugs of homemade Drambuie. It’s not as if it’s one of those huge, incredibly dangerous glasses of white wine that one hears so much about these days.

“And anyway, I’m always asleep somewhere by half-eight.”