Queen sells advertising space on the side of swans

THE Queen is to boost royal revenues by selling advertising space on the side of swans.

The initiative will provide an additional funds for the Mountbatten-Windsor estate, which will help pay for repairs to the palace and any unspecified upcoming legal fees.

Officials confirmed swans in areas of high foot traffic will command the highest rates, while those in smaller, regional lakes and ponds will attract a lower price-per-inch.

A Palace spokesman said “The UK’s swans are a vastly under-utilised asset. With each adult coming in at an average 150cm the potential for eye-catching advertising is huge.

“We have already had interest from Ladbrokes, Herbalife, TK Maxx and a company that makes orthopaedic shoes.”

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Woman tripping on mushrooms hallucinates world where Brexit vote never happened

A WOMAN who took magic mushrooms has hallucinated a world where the Brexit referendum never happened.

Emma Bradford said: “Oh, man. Everything was just one, you know?

“I just felt completely at peace, there was a leopard trying to have sex with me and Boris Johnson wasn’t prime minister.

“Usually I just do it at a party to have some fun, but now I realise it can actually be a profound spiritual experience.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When someone takes magic mushrooms, their brain’s default mode network decreases in capacity. This means they no longer think about the past, the future, or about whatever political shitshow is going on at the moment.

“Which means everyone should really be on mushrooms all the time.”