What you do for a living versus what your mum tells people you do

YOU’VE got an important and interesting job which your mum can’t get her head round. Here’s what you actually do, compared to what she tells people you do:

Your job: Head of data analytics

She says: ‘Something about computers’

Your job: Risk analyst

She says: ‘Fiddles around with spreadsheets’

Your job: Building contractor

She says: ‘Bricklayer’

Your job: User interface designer

She says: ‘Website thingies’

Your job: Video game development

She says: ‘Sits around playing on the SNES’

Your job: Reference specialist at the British Library

She says: ‘Stamps books’

Your job: Successful influencer

She says: ‘Makes silly videos’

Your job: Regional manager for popular chain of pubs

She says: ‘Barmaid’

Your Job: Laboratory technician

She says: ‘Basically a doctor’

Your job: Cyber security analyst

She says: ‘IT’

Your job: Cyber security analyst at GCHQ

She says: ‘Fancy IT’

Your job: Geographical information manager for national bus company

She says: ‘He cut the bus route to Tuesday bingo’

Your job: Bin man

She says: ‘Very important job at the council’

Your job: McDonalds line cook

She says: ‘Chef’

Your job: Digital consultant

She says: ‘Facebook’

Your job: Communications specialist

She says: ‘Gabbing on the phone a lot. Never rings me, though’

Your job: Backend specialist

She says: ‘Are you sure it’s not pornography?’

Your job: Writer

She says: ‘Unemployed waste of space’

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Kelly Brook, and other female celebs with weird takes on feminism

KELLY Brook feels more ‘body confident’ than ever because her husband loves her ‘big bum and boobies’. It’s a confusing message, but not the first from an ‘empowered’ celeb. Such as these.

Kim Kardashian

Kim finds stripping off ‘empowering’, which is just as well – anything else would be like a bear saying they find shitting in the woods ‘painfully embarrassing’. In fact she overused the word so much that even Cosmopolitan criticised her for it, and this is a magazine mainly concerned with telling women how to make sure their blowjobs are up to scratch.

Kelly Brook

If you ignore the fact that Kelly’s entire career was based on being pretty with big tits, it’s good that she no longer feels the need to pander to other people’s standards of beauty. Unfortunately her rationale for this isn’t a great example of progressive thought. ‘[My husband] Jeremy is Italian so he likes he likes a big bum and boobies,’ she said, in a novel synthesis of female empowerment, baby talk and casual racism.

Geri Horner

Very much the Karl Marx of Girl Power, Geri was the theorist behind the philosophy of shouting ‘GIRL POWER!’ a lot. Cynics might argue that Girl Power has done little to smash the glass ceiling or address institutional misogyny, but you can’t disagree with its powerful central message of not ignoring your friends because boys just want to finger you.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth’s vagina candle is ‘a really strong feminist statement’ because it helps women who are ashamed of the smell of their lady parts, apparently. Fair enough, but maybe have a shower if it’s that noticeable? The problem with Ms Paltrow generally is that her Goop sideline is based entirely on horribly overpriced products, eg. ‘super nutrient’ face oil ($98) or a ‘smart fridge’ ($1,295). Maybe Germaine Greer wrote another classic of feminism after The Female Eunuch, called Make $$$s With Feminism FAST!!!.

Emily Ratajkowski

The Blurred Lines model talks about feminism a lot, but entirely in connection with herself. It’s the equivalent of calling a plumber who tells you: ‘As a plumber, I’m comfortable with where my plumbing career is now, and as a member of the wider plumbing community…’ for two hours without actually fixing your f**king toilet.

Miley Cyrus

You’ve got to hand it to Miley for simply making up her own definition of feminism: ‘I feel like I’m one of the biggest feminists in the world because I tell women to not be scared of anything.’ It might have been worth adding a few caveats, eg. sharks, raw chicken, unshielded plutonium, etc. However it definitely takes some courage to discuss feminism after sitting naked on a wrecking ball and, in the same video, hungrily licking a large hammer.

Meghan Markle

You could fill a bottomless pit with Meghan’s vague and incredibly obvious comments about feminism, eg. ‘You can be feminine and a feminist’, ‘Feminism is about fairness’, etc. Back in 2019 she made a big deal about bringing up her unborn child, who is now four-year-old Archie, to be a feminist. We’re sure Harry is looking forward to those gripping conversations.