Woman having kids so she can leave work whenever she f**king likes

A WOMAN has decided to have children so she can breeze in and out of work whenever she wants, no questions asked.

Mother-to-be Francesca Johnson is not particularly thrilled by the prospect of sleepless nights and paying half her salary to a nursery, but believes it will pay off when she can leave the office at any time for childcare commitments.

She said: “I’m told it will be a rewarding experience expanding my understanding of what it means to be human. The kid, that is, though pissing off at 3pm most nights definitely will be.

“Once I’ve luxuriated in my lengthy maternity leave, I’ll start wafting back into the office a couple of days a week, laying the groundwork for my non-attending future. Then the piss-taking can begin.

“Big afternoon meeting? Sorry, my daughter’s in the spelling bee. Everybody needs to work late? She’s got vaccinations at the GP. Crucial presentation to give? Best delegate that as I’m entering the mums’ race at sports day.

“It’s the excuse that keeps on giving. Even when the kid’s 16 there’s a graduation to go to and no boss will dare deprive me of witnessing that core memory. Pregnancy, here I come.

“Who’ll pick up all the work I don’t do? The childless. They’ll be glad of the distraction because they’ve got nothing else in their empty lives.”

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Does your vulva need a facelift? asks the Mash sex columnist

GOING to Turkey? Boobs, bum or labiaplasty? With vaginal anxiety apparently at an all-time high, women are turning to cosmetic surgery for the smile few will ever see. 

But is it worth taking a scalpel to solve a problem that is probably non-existent and certainly not important? Consider these before investing 15 grand in your foof:

Is it just a trend? 

If it’s important to be at the forefront of vulva couture, then open the catalogue and circle your dream pussy in Sharpie today. But fashion moves on fast and nobody wants the pussy equivalent of boot-cut jeans down there, every lover absently humming Craig David as they go down.

Are you ashamed?

Are you so embarrassed by your labia you can barely bring yourself to look down in the shower? Are dates plagued by thoughts that he can tell you’ve got asymmetric flaps by your very bearing? Recurring nightmare where your Naked Attraction appearance is likened to Cthulhu? It’s definitely not delusional. Get booked in.

Do you compare yourself to porn?

Real women don’t have the pert, uniform pussies of porn stars. Comparing their pudenda to your own can only end in tears. If you can’t even look into the hand mirror you’re squatting above, you have two choices: stop doing that or surgery. The first is easier.

Can you go a month without masturbating?

A key consideration when deciding whether your beef curtains need a trim. No matter how skilled the surgeon who performs the procedure you’ll be sore downstairs, with no wandering hands, vibrators or real live penises for at least four weeks. And the same wait before sharing before-and-after shots online.

Are you in a long-term relationship?

Then why are you bothering with this? If you’ve got a boyfriend locked down anyway, why put yourself through the butchery? Make peace with the irregularities of your punani and move on.

A fanny’s a fanny

Droopy, crooked, thick, thin, still or sparkling, let’s be honest, any half-decent self-hating man will be grateful to ram his dick into whatever you’ve got going. So spare yourself the knife. He’s as likely to notice it as a new hairstyle anyway.