Your astrological week ahead for July 6th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You did your own exit poll on Thursday. Turns out most people’s first choice would be to leave their house through the front door.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Sure the kids have their TikTok, but have they ever known the true thrill of doing a scratch-and-sniff sticker?

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

The lady at Debenhams said you’re a Light Summer, so you suit lilacs, reds and wasps.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Shall we all give ourselves a treat and not even think about who the new Tory leader’s going to be before we f**king have to?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

I like my women like I like my pancakes. Stacked, hot and with a light dusting of icing sugar. Nutella on the side.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

“Baby, they call me ‘High-Waisted Trousers’ because I’m high, I’m wasted and I’m not wearing any.”

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

If you feel scared about the new government, don’t be. Psychic Bob is always here for you. And he’s watching you now. Get your hand out of there.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Cogito ergo sum? Cogito ergo your mum.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

They call him The Palindrome because he’s both overly forward and pretty backward.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Why are the Conservatives complaining about going into opposition? Surely having no responsibilities and slagging off your rivals all day is the dream?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

“Ah, your surname is Spunkmeyer. So I presume your ancestors were, in some way, Mayors of Spunk?”

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Ramp up the sexiness in your household by being constantly blindfolded. Don’t just save it for the bedroom.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... being up for Truss

WAKING up after five minutes’ sleep on Friday morning, after a disquieting night when the country appeared to be attempting to outdrink me, I note the headlines. 

My head aching so hard it is emitting an audible buzzing drone, I call an extraordinary service at the Abbey.

‘Dearest parishioners,’ I announce from the pulpit, ‘We are gathered to give thanks and praise that our country has seen fit to vote out a bunch of self-serving, racist, corrupt, transphobic genocide-enabling, NHS-privatising flag-shagging austerity cunts.’

The congregation erupts in applause.

‘Unfortunately, our country has seen fit to vote in their place a bunch of self-serving, racist, corrupt, transphobic genocide-enabling, NHS-privatising flag-shagging austerity cunts. And that’s not just me saying that, it’s God.’

While the boos echo from the rafters I conclude the service, take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical where I read that Georgie David, Reform UK candidate for West Ham and Beckton, defected to the Conservatives pre-election citing allegations of racism.

Christ’s marinated, basted and hickory-roasted cock, you noticed that, huh? What the fuck did you think the Reform Party was set up for? It wasn’t set up to fucking reform shit, mate! Quitting Reform UK because of too much racism is like quitting your job at the monkey house because of all the monkey shit! And joining the Tories to get away from racism? Didn’t want to get too far away, did you? 

Joe Biden intends to run for president despite a faltering performance in a TV debate. His wife Jill has encouraged him not to stand down.

For fuck’s sake, man, way to usher in a new fascist millennium in America! Stand down, you wretched, babbling pillar of advanced senility! You were all but fucking drooling during that debate! You looked like you were on the point of dozing off! You’re not fit to be President of your own catheter piss bag! You belong in a bathchair, not the fucking Oval Office! I’d say you corpsed except there are actual corpses who would have performed better than you did against that preening, bloviating, lying cunt! Fuck your wife, just fucking go!

Wes Streeting, today appointed health secretary, tweeted yesterday ‘If Labour are elected today, the work of change begins tomorrow.’

And we know what change you’ll be working on straight away: changing the NHS from a public utility to a fucking privatised one! Are we supposed to think the private health firms who bunged you £175,000 did it because you have a kind face? They want bang for their fucking buck and that means you pulling down trousers, grabbing the NHS by the love handles and banging it till the pips squeak! You wouldn’t have a sniff of being elected if the only other option on the menu wasn’t bootlaces boiled in piss!

Finally, it seems that the Conservative Party have been ejected from office with the loss of 250 seats, their worst general election result in living memory.

Ha! Fuck off and fuck off forever, you odious, incompetent, grasping, thick, parasitical, incoherent, criminally corrupt, evil, banal, larcenous, greedy, grotesque, graceless, lying, bastardly, dire, gargoyle-like, loathsome, disgusting, thieving, scumsucking, 14 years of misery-inflicting, malicious, murderous, rancid, poisonous, shit-spewing bunch of fucking cunts! Wriggling, mutant, vampiric Thatcher spawn! Jacob Rees Mogg! Ha! Fuck off back to the Beano, you 24 carat twat! Jonathan Gullis! Go back to the fascist toilet you crawled out of and flush yourself down the U-bend of oblivion! Liz Truss! Everyone enjoyed that one best! Made the Michael Portillo moment look like the death of David Bowie in the national jubilation stakes! You are a terminal irrelevance to the end of time! We want our billions back, you verminous, vampiric scum!