A white home counties roadman participates in a school democratic process, innit

14-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, is a candidate in a wasteman election to find class president

WAGWAN? Man seriously vexed coz your fam, Active J, woz supposed to be voted as da class president. Calm.

Miss Jackson thought it heducational if class held an helection wiv all da votin’ and shit to name leaderman. Man sed wot is da point, coz Active J is da leader of roadmandem an’ gyaldem. But Miss sed not heveryone is a roadman, an heveryone gets one vote.

Sayin’? Da class muggles should not ‘av da vote without da swag, an’ Active J should get more votes than heveryone helse coz him’s bare loud. Miss ‘ad beef wiv man about dat.

So, Lady G got up first an’ sed if her woz voted president, her would do sumfink about free sanitary in da toilets, like at da state school. Man ‘ad AirPods in.

Man gets up next an’ does leng speech ting, sayin’ dat when Active J is president only dem flexin’ da latest North Face or Montirex drip an’ trainers bosser than black Air Force will be hallowed on da hastroturf still. Lady G woz shakin’ her’s head, don’t know why, her got Jordan’s.

Den dickhead Drilla gets up an’ sez da hastroturf should be for heveryone, even if you is not a roadman or gyal. An’ there should be da free sanitary sumfinks in all da toilets even da bruvs. Bruv, wot is you smokin’?

Miss moving crazy an’ sed Drilla got da most votes an’ won coz Active J only represented him’s self but Drilla woz finkin’ about heveryone helse. Even Lady G who President Dickhead now calls him’s First Lady G. Dat bare rank.

So mandem crew all went to Maccy D’s to celebrate wiv President Wasteman. Active J just wanted to be on him’s own on da hastroturf. But den Drilla an’ Lady G turn up, an’ man sed him’s didn’t wanna be president anyway. An’ Drilla sed he dead knew an’ gave man a can of Monster.

Drilla is a peng president, today. But tomorrow man is a default dickhead again.

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Fat pointlessly lost from non-belly area

A MAN has wasted time and effort burning fat in areas of his body that are not his gut, it has frustratingly emerged. 

Wayne Hayes, aged 34, has been eating healthily and exercising four days a week for months, only for the pounds to melt away from irrelevant locations such as his thighs, upper arms and lower back while his stomach remains flabby and his chins remain double.

He said: “I’ve got loads more energy, my wellbeing and libido are through the roof, and I couldn’t give a f**k about any of that because I still can’t sit down in a shirt.

“So what if my calves look like toned pistons? Nobody’s looking at them in the shadow of this hairy, jiggling paunch. The body positivity movement has yet to embrace beer guts and moobs.

“I know you can’t target fat loss, but it doesn’t make sense that I have ripped elbows. I need abs and a 34-inch waist. You can hide cankles with trousers.”

Hayes’s personal trainer Nikki Hollis said: “Wayne’s genetics are to blame. He comes from a long line of lard buckets and no amount of crunches or planks will change that. It’s an uphill battle just stopping him getting even fatter.

“Another four months yelling at him on a treadmill for £40 per hour and he’ll give up and accept he’s a fat bastard. Until then we’re working on losing four pounds from his knees.”