Woman only having baby because she hates her job

A woman is having a baby solely because her job is terrible, she has confirmed.

Nikki Hollis, 32, was delighted to discover that she and her partner had been successful in the miracle of creating life, but only because her work is so shit.

She said: “I’m telling people it’s because we were feeling so connected and in love and ready, but honestly it’s because my last performance review was a total nightmare.

“The toss-up between having to take on extra management duties for no extra pay, or having a human explode out of my fanny turned out to be an easy one.

“I’m not naive, I know it’s hard work, but work is hard work too. At least a baby won’t make me go on f**king Zoom all day.”

Hollis is at yet unaware of the true genius of her plan, which is that the horrors of parenting will leave her so shell-shocked that returning to her colleagues in a year will feel like a holiday as none of them throw faeces at her.

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Five shit things you didn’t expect would happen in your 40s

DID you stupidly think you’d be happy and sorted by the time you got to middle age? Here are some unpleasant realities you weren’t expecting.

Renting a flat and being single 

A waste of money and a bit lonely. However there might be enough 40-something singleton renters nowadays to force the government to give everyone a free house on their 40th birthday. Naturally you’d also get a decent car, an attractive spouse and some well-behaved kids. It doesn’t matter if they’re actors. Beggars can’t be choosers.

Your metabolism goes wrong 

Leading to inevitable weight gain. You can’t even drown your sorrows about being fat with booze because hangovers are no longer a minor inconvenience on the way to work, but a nightmarish journey into paranoia, physical exhaustion and irrational feelings that you have lost at life because you don’t own an Audi.

You are not as successful as you assumed you would be

Even quite grounded people can’t resist fantasies of running their own successful business or writing the next Trainspotting. Unfortunately this requires talent, an element of luck, and single-minded hard work. The latter isn’t going to happen because let’s face it, you’re already knackered from just getting dressed in the morning.

Birthdays are no longer exciting 

Childhood birthdays were amazing if you got an AT-AT walker, and in your 20s and 30s you were guaranteed a good piss-up. But birthdays in your 40s feel utterly pointless, unless you’re really excited about reaching the age of 43, which makes you a bit weird.

You’re obsessed with celebrities’ ages

A bizarre side-effect of getting older which makes you compare your own age and achievements with celebs who’ve taken an entirely different path in life. It’s still a kick in the teeth to discover you’re older than Danny Dyer, and haven’t even got his incredibly shit filmography.