Friday, 4th December 2020

Woman only having baby because she hates her job

A woman is having a baby solely because her job is terrible, she has confirmed.

Nikki Hollis, 32, was delighted to discover that she and her partner had been successful in the miracle of creating life, but only because her work is so shit.

She said: “I’m telling people it’s because we were feeling so connected and in love and ready, but honestly it’s because my last performance review was a total nightmare.

“The toss-up between having to take on extra management duties for no extra pay, or having a human explode out of my fanny turned out to be an easy one.

“I’m not naive, I know it’s hard work, but work is hard work too. At least a baby won’t make me go on f**king Zoom all day.”

Hollis is at yet unaware of the true genius of her plan, which is that the horrors of parenting will leave her so shell-shocked that returning to her colleagues in a year will feel like a holiday as none of them throw faeces at her.