Woman quits job after getting boss in Secret Santa

4th December 2019

A WOMAN has decided it is easier to walk out of her job than to buy a Secret Santa present for her boss.

Client manager Helen Archer picked boss Joseph Turner, who is known for his big car, fancy things and easily-bruised ego, out of the Secret Santa hat then sat staring blankly at her desk for five minutes before handing in her notice.

She said: “I know a trap when I see one. Quitting is the only way I was getting out of this alive.

“It’s a lose-lose situation. Even if I overspend it’ll still be nothing like the standard he believes himself to deserve. His face was like thunder when he opened that Lindt last year.

“Or I go for a joke gift, watch it fall flat and see everyone sidle away from me as he asks what’s funny about an inflatable sumo suit, then get fired for an ostensibly completely different reason in the New Year.

“I did consider getting him something that would actually hurt him, like a puppy he’d then have to look after or a pair of gardening gloves full of broken glass, but I need a reference. Better this way. Bye everyone.”

The Department for Work and Pensions estimate that Secret Santa costs the economy over £800,000 annually in lost hours due to people quitting rather than buy a colleague a thoughtful gift.

Trump understanding as much of Nato summit as a dog would

4th December 2019

DONALD Trump is sitting uncomprehending through the Nato summit looking up eagerly whenever he hears his own name, aides have confirmed.

The President, who has already done the bit at the photocall where he screws his tiny eyes up to look powerful, believes everyone is speaking in a different language even though it is only accented English.

An aide said: “He only pays attention when drinks arrive, when ISIS are mentioned and he says loudly ‘It was my idea that we should beat them’, or when his name comes up and he looks wildly around for who said it, desperate for approval.

“When anyone tries to involve him he barks something like ‘Gotta be tough. I’ve been very, very clear on that,’ and there’s a moment of silence while they struggle to relate it to the subject at hand, then shrug and carry on.

“At one point he started talking about his electoral college victory and Justin Trudeau patted him on the head, which seemed to mollify him.”

French President Emmanual Macron said: “It is not fair to keep him cooped up in here all day so we will take him out for a walk later, let him get some fresh air.

“And he can do his business. You know. His tweets.”

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