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Work crap you have to deal with after Christmas

YOU’VE been back at your desk for half an hour and the happy relaxation you felt during the holidays has already vanished. Here’s why:

You’ve forgotten your passwords

In the old days they were all written on a post-it stuck to your monitor but the IT department has lately decided that poses some sort of security risk. Spend the first half of the day on the phone to Gary in infrastructure trying to get logged on while he speaks to you with the same condescendingly exasperated tone your parents like to use.

You have 9,423 emails to wade through

You’ve been off over Christmas but it doesn’t look like the majority of your colleagues or your boss have. Can you be arsed to read them or should you just select all and delete? It’s a difficult decision so spend 40 minutes sitting in the toilet playing Forge of Empires on your mobile instead of figuring out what to do.

You have to listen to a rundown of your colleagues’ Christmases

‘Nice Christmas?’ you politely ask every colleague, presuming they will succinctly say ‘Lovely, thanks’ and allow you to go about your business. What you actually get is a rundown of their pettiest Christmas arguments and a detailed review of King Charles’ first speech, which quickly serves to remind you why you avoid talking to these people as much as possible.

Your boss asking why you never replied to any of his texts

‘Because I was on holiday, you massive bellend’ you want to scream into his face. Unfortunately you need this miserable job to pay off the credit card bill you racked up over Christmas, so you can’t do that. Instead you make up an elaborate lie about losing your work phone for the whole holiday before miraculously finding it just as you left the house for the office this morning. What are the chances?

Having to sort out all the mistakes Gavin has made

Gavin, who is desperate for a promotion, volunteered to come into the office for a couple of days between Christmas and New Year, to keep things ‘ticking over’. Unfortunately, Gavin is a massive twat, which means he has pissed off six of your clients, deleted half your files and eaten your secret stash of Hobnobs. Happy New Year.

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Andrew Tate's New Year's resolutions for oppressed straight white men

BEING accused of having ‘small dick energy’ isn’t the most alpha male start to 2023. But no one f**ks with Andrew Tate. Here’s how I’ll be bouncing back in 2023.

Bully a young woman

I’ll get my revenge on Greta Thunberg, even if she’s a small, 19-year-old woman and I’m a 36-year-old former kickboxer. I’ve spent four days thinking of replies and I’ve already come up with: ‘Actually my knob’s 10.4cm. I measured it, you fat cow.’ You don’t cross swords with my devastating intellect.

Never stop fighting for my loyal followers

My success is based on weird male incel losers with poor hygiene. Sorry, I meant ‘brave emasculated men‘. It’s my moral duty to charge them just $49.99 per month in the hope of finally getting laid and reassure them that all women are frigid, manipulative bitches, rather than telling them to learn basic conversational skills and buy a deodorant.

Get these pesky human trafficking accusations dropped

So I’m meant to have recruited women and forced them to appear in pornography? Why would I need to force them to do anything when I run courses teaching totally legit seduction techniques such as grinding them down with verbal abuse and threatening them with a machete? It’s obviously all a conspiracy. Take the red pill and wake up, sheeple.

Take Hustler’s University to the next level

Hustler’s University is where I sell my totally-not-bogus courses online. I’d like to see it become a fully-accredited, bricks-and-mortar institution that appears on University Challenge. It would be as respected as Oxbridge or MIT, but with degrees in Pussy.

Update my Twitter page

My pinned tweet currently says ‘My unmatched perspicacity coupled with sheer indefatigability makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour’ but I think I’m being too modest. I’ll leave it like that for a while as the Romanian police have taken my thesaurus so I’d struggle to come up with something as good again.

Stay one step ahead of the Matrix

Dark global forces fear my message. Feminazis and castrated liberal ‘men’ would say it’s actually just a weird mix of misogynist bollocks, blatant grift and right-wing politics, but it’s actually a blueprint for a better world where a heterosexual white man is unafraid to talk about his McLaren 720S for an hour or more, even if everyone is yawning.

Make new friends

The Romanian police have successfully applied to detain me for a month, and I’ve heard that jail can be a nasty place for good-looking men like me, so ironically I’m looking for a big strong sugar daddy in prison. All offers considered.

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