Your guide to the dangers of working from bed

CELEBS like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and Keeley Hawes have revealed they like to work from bed. But what are the hidden dangers? Here is a guide every homeworker should read.

Going to sleep 

A warm, comfy bed coupled with tedious work will tempt you into the land of nod. Even disturbing nightmares like being chased by Paul Hollywood through your old primary school while carrying a bag of dead birds for some reason will be preferable to replying to bullshit marketing emails.


If you’re working in bed, you’re probably using a computer, ie. a magical portal to every type of pornography. Remind yourself you are a business professional and seeing every instalment of Your Mom Loves Dick is not much of an achievement to put on your CV.

You are not a celebrity

When Laurence Llelwyn-Bowen says he likes working from bed, it sounds like a quirky way of running his lucrative TV career from his luxurious bed, even if he spends his time wanking furiously (see above). When you do it, it just sounds like you’re a bone-idle slacker under a filthy duvet. Which is double-standards, but correct.

Bed sores 

Spend too long working from bed and you will develop this horrible ailment. Get up regularly and walk around a bit, assuming your muscles haven’t atrophied and you’re stuck in bed forever like the guy in Se7en.

Crumbs and worse 

You’re bound to have lunch and office snacks in bed. Then when actual bedtime arrives you’ll discover you’re in an itchy pit of biscuit crumbs and dried-out bread. You’ll be too lazy to get up and brush it all away and will wake up with a piece of ham stuck to your back with mayonnaise.

Finding it impossible to return to normality

You will eventually resent having to get out of bed at all. If Zoom calls make you livid because you have to get up and put a shirt on, or you think it’s normal for your bed to smell of soup, ease yourself back into normality with a punishing 15 minutes of sitting upright at a desk each day.


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Three big houses in Grimsby, and other things you could buy for the price of a London property

THE average house price in London is now £500,000 and that will only bag you a pokey little flat. Here are some better ways to spend your money.

Three semi-detached houses in Grimsby

If you weren’t so obsessed with living in an eye-wateringly expensive, dirty, noisy hellhole you could purchase three large houses in a different part of the country. So what if there isn’t a cold brew coffee bar within Uber distance? It will help you stop being a ponce.

1,000 weeks of all-inclusive holiday in Benidorm

You could go on an all-inclusive package holiday for 19 years entire years for the price of a London house. It’s true that you can’t then sell it to downsize to a nice little place in Sussex but you can drink a large amount of sangria and get a lovely tan.

Two Winnebago tour buses

A rock star house on wheels that’s bigger and warmer than that tiny damp studio flat in Hackney that you’re so keen to pay through the nose for. You can still live in East London too, if you must, as you’ll have change to spare for all the parking tickets you rack up in Dalston.

A small Scottish island

Forget city living altogether and move to a remote Scottish island that you’ll have all to yourself. You may have to fend off wild animals, but you’re used to that from dodging the rats and foxes hanging round the overflowing bins of the chicken shop below your shared house in Camberwell.

A third-hand yacht

Pretend you’re a poor man’s Philip Green and buy yourself a slightly used yacht. It might be impractical, but so is buying a house just outside Zone 6 and spending three miserable hours commuting every day.