'You're only in charge because Janet left', and five other things you wish you could say to your shite boss

YOU know he’s shit. The whole office knows he’s shit. He, surely, must know he’s shit. But nobody is allowed to speak that truth or these: 

‘You’re the boss by default’

While your boss seems to think he was appointed God on merit, everyone else is fully aware when Janet left management couldn’t be arsed doing an outside hire and he’d been around longer than everyone else. He owes his status to nothing more than hours logged and her relocating to Wakefield.

‘We work better without you around’

While he spouts specious bollocks about improving productivity, you yearn to tell the prick that whenever he’s out on annual leave more work gets done because everyone’s actually able to do their jobs rather than getting pulled into meetings to stroke his fragile ego.

‘No-one gives a s**t about you or your life’

After another meeting drags on for a half-hour longer than it needs to, because your boss has no-one else to share his innermost thoughts or dull weekend plans with, every single person diligently taking notes as he regurgitates misremembered motivational quotes is aching to tell him that nobody gives a f**king f**k about his bullshit.

‘You know we only work here for money, right?’

While his career is an ongoing saga that enthralls all listeners, he seems incapable of understanding that other people do not spend their every waking moment thinking about monthly reports. But if you ever explained your working hours are the shit bit, you’d be out on your arse.

‘You should be paid a lot less’

Considering how much of your job is doing useful shit and how much of his is presentations and taking credit, you should take home his salary and he should take home yours. Also, he should lose a grand off his bonus for every email demanding you do something he could easily do himself. Saying this would be fatal.

‘You’re a complete f**king moron and my job is to cover your arse’

Fundamentally, you wish you could point out that your boss is a f**king idiot and a liability who would have cost the company 400 grand last month alone if you weren’t catching every single one of his cretinous mistakes. But you need to pay the mortgage next month.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five tricks Ryanair pulls out of sheer f**king spite

WE are Ryanair, and we actively make flying with us worse in the hope you might pay us to stop. Here is how we hate you:

No check-in staff

To encourage you to check in online, we have fired all our check-in staff. If you still need to check in – perhaps you have paid £50 for hold luggage? – the queue will resemble those at Alton Towers but will not move at the same speed. If you miss your flight because of this queue, the responsibility is yours.

No legroom

Due to airplane design choices beyond our control, certain seats have more legroom than others. We hate it but it’s a safety thing. There are passengers who could benefit from this legroom, but unless they give us £20 those seats will sit empty. If you’re tall it will hurt. We will hurt you unless you pay us. That’s the Ryanair promise.

No sitting with your friends

On the lowest form of public transport available – a bus – you can sit with your mates. On trains or tubes or trams you can sit with your mates. Only on Ryanair, because we’re bastards, do we attempt to extort money from you for simple companionship. It would be so much easier not to do this, but we might miss out on up to £80 per flight.

No bags

Like a seat with legroom, the overhead lockers will remain empty unless we’re suitably remunerated. Why should you be allowed a bag just because you’re going somewhere? You can, of course, put a bag under your seat but the specifications are absurdly small. We only let you take a shopping bag because the airports make us.

Nowhere to put anything

Our seats, like those on trains, used to have webbing on the back for you to put your drink or book in. But passengers left rubbish in them and we had to clean it up and that required a member of staff, so we’ve removed it and now you have to balance your crisps on your knee. You can’t even pay us for this. We just f**king hate you.