Cat's entertainment: The Dark Knight Rises

Cat/critic Martin Harper presents a feline perspective on the latest Batman film.

Sorry to be predictable, but the thing I was most excited about in this film was Catwoman. And yet again, my hopes were cruelly dashed.

When, oh when, are we going to see this role played by an actual cat? The hefty, bipedal Anne Hathway who would clearly struggle to navigate a wet tin roof, even if pursued by multiple terriers.

The reason for this folly is that inter-species love is the last great cinematic taboo. Even in 2012, mainstream sensibilities would be offended by Christian Bale passionately kissing a cat.

But come on guys, what’s the problem here? In parts of Southern America and Wales inter-species love is the norm and humans live happy, contented lives with their animal partners.

Yet there hasn’t been a pair of convincing inter-species lovers depicted on the screen since Clint Eastwood and Clyde the orangutan simmered in Every Which Way But Loose.

Alternately, Christopher Nolan might have replaced Christian Bale with a horseshoe bat. I recently met an excellent bat actor, and although I subsequently ate him I’m sure there are plenty more out there.

It’s time human actors stopped hogging the interesting roles. And reaching out to non-human cinemagoers could really boost tickets sales – although dogs of course must continue to be excluded from cinemas, foul things that they are.

Also, they really need to start selling milk in cinemas. Those fizzy drinks disagree with me something terrible.



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Parallel universe Andy Murray inspires our universe Andy Murray

ANDY Murray’s ridiculously successful parallel universe counterpart has told the tennis player he needs to get back out there and smash it.

Parallel universe Andy Murray, who was visiting our plane of reality to promote his book Man of Total Awesomeness, won Wimbledon five times this week in his dimension, then married Mila Kunis in his own Carribean diamond mine before jetting off to win the car racing at Silverstone and open for U2 at Wembley.

The cool other-reality counterpart had tough words for the Andy Murray resident on our plane of existence, who has spent the week watching Loose Women and eating Maltesers.

He said: “Your universe’s Andy Murray needs to be more like me than he already is.

“Did I give up, that weekend I discovered the solution to Fermat’s last Theorem? No I did not.”

Shaking out his long, flowing locks whilst casually hooking a thumb into the belt of his leather trousers, parallel universe Andy Murray went on to recount the phenomenal successes he’d enjoyed at tennis back in his home dimension, where he has won Wimbledon nineteen times since the age of six.

Asked if he had any further advice for his our-universe counterpart, Murray simply said that Murray should simply apply himself to the game and never give up.

He said: “Perhaps then he/I can join the true immortals of tennis, who are, in my dimension, me, Sue Barker,  Deeper Blue, John Virgo, and Barry White.”