Guest Blog: Lily Allen

IT'S all kinda sorta boring, innit? You know what it's like – travelling the world, doing concerts, staying in posh hotels, hanging out with famous people who happen to be your mum and dad's friends and eating in expensive restaurants – to be quite honest, I'd rather be blogging or watching people fall over on YouTube.

Ridin' on the Number 25 Bus
Ain't gonna make no fuss
There goes that bloke
I used to
So I ring me Dad up and tell him to get the boys round
That bloke won't be bothering no-one no more
Cos he's a slapper, only he's a slag with a willy

I wrote those lyrics in the back of the car on the way from the airport to the Chelsea Hotel in New York. Apparently some really, really famous dead people have stayed here – you know, proper icons like Bob Dylan Thomas and Sid Vicious, which kinda puts everything into perspective as I drag my rubbish old suitcase through the lobby.

I'm in New York to record some new songs – here's one of 'em, enjoy!

Walkin' through the city after chuckin' out time
Fall over 'cos I've had one too many lager and limes
Bash me head on a two foot wall
This ain't no way to go on a pub crawl

Then I get a call on me mobile
It's my ex-boyfriend botherin' me for the fifty quid I owe him
So I call me Dad and he goes round and half kills him
Serves him right for being such a big old twat

Whilst I was in the Big Apple I bumped into my old mucker Danny 'Diabolical' Dyer.  He's out here publicising his new movie. "Awright dahlin'" he says, "gor blimey you look proper fuckin' diamond – how's about we get right on it, innit?" Then his Mum grabbed his arm and shouted: "Daniel, stop using that foul language, and for heaven's sakes, pronounce your words properly – you're not in front of the camera now!"

Are you lovin' my lyrics? I reckon they're proper wicked – I don't usually blow me own trumpet, I normally get a session musician to do that for me. Anyway, New York got a bit boring, so we all schlepped off to the airport and booked a flight to Mexico for a laugh – it's time to blow this town! Landed in Tijuana airport, and whilst we were going through passport control I started getting well bored. As soon as we got into the main terminal I realised I was getting even more bored-er than I was earlier, so I decided it was time we all went back to jolly old England for a cup of tea and some custard creams.

Back home in my new London flat, and there's so much to do. I don't know where to start, so I call one of my Dad's mates, who happens to be one of the world's leading interior decorators – result! Anyway, he's coming round at the end of the week and everything should be sorted in time for my house-warming party in a few weeks.

Instead of a really boring party invitation I sent everyone a CD with a song, here it is:

Hello you, what you up to
On August the 25th?
Cos I'm havin' a proper party
Bring a bottle or my Dad won't let you


As told to Matt Owen

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Smokers Urge Gates To Produce Software That Actually Fucking Works

SMOKERS have urged Bill Gates to produce a range of software that doesn't have them reaching for a cigarette every time it crashes.

Microsoft founder Gates has teamed up with fellow multi-billionaire Michael Bloomberg in a $500 million worldwide initiative to tell everyone what to do.

But smokers have stressed it would be easier for them to follow their orders if Microsoft's operating systems, browsers and office applications were not such complete piles of shit.

Emily Reeves, an accountant from Bristol, said: "I have been trying to cut down recently, but I find that when I get to work, my computer is absolutely determined to make me love cigarettes.

"It has this knack of channelling stress directly into my brain until there is a vast choir singing  'have a ciggie' to the tune of 'Hallelujah' from Handel's Messiah."

She added: "If it's not freezing, crashing or asking me question after question after question, it's updating the bastarding software every thirty fucking seconds.

"Stop it. Just. Fucking. Stop it. You evil, cock-sucking, son of a bitch, piece of SHIT!

"I think it might be time for fag break."