Guest Blog: Russell Brand

GOR' blimey guv'nor and gadzooks! Thrice I had partaken in the devil's dandruff that very morning, and now I was well and truly off me crust, ta very much. The willing young lady of the night what I'd procured the previous evening was still wriggling around on me boat race like an eel on a bleeding frying pan. "I've had enough of this lark – now begone scarlet woman and leave me a couple of Rizla on your way out," I tell her.

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Brown removes Darling's eyebrow with a blowtorch

PRIME minister Gordon Brown last night rejected calls to sack Alistair Darling but did remove the chancellor’s right eyebrow with a blowtorch.

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