Scotland dies laughing

TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland after the entire country laughed itself to death.

The alarm was first raised after thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.

As RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.

Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: “We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace.”

He added: “In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees. It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over.”

Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: “I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling. He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after a few moments of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet.”

Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.

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EU To Ask Women When They First Sat On A Washing Machine

CITIZENS across the European Union are to be asked a series of intimate sexual questions including when they first discovered the joys of vibration.

In a bid to improve policy making the European Parliament wants member states to conduct surveys which include detailed questions about rubbing, bouncing and ice cubes.

Dutch MEP Theo Van Poomf said: “Take the section on nipples, for example. We need to know when our citizens first became aware of their nipples and what influence that has had on their choice of public transport.”

He added: “Are women who indulge in washing machines more or less likely to reuse plastic shopping bags?

“Does rubbing yourself in church make you more likely to send your children to a private school?

“And is the EU constitution more popular with people who enjoy demented sexual role-playing?”

But the move has been strongly opposed by some British MEPs. UKIP member Denys Finch-Hatton said: “It’s the bloody French. Again.

“Knocking on my door. Asking my wife if she enjoys doing it blindfolded. On skis. While eating a hotdog. And listening to Wagner. While my mother is downstairs watching Balamory with her grandchildren. Perverts.”