Darling Sends 25 Million Bank Records To Nigerian Doctor

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted sending millions of bank account details to a Nigerian doctor who contacted him earlier this week.

The Chancellor told the House of Commons he had received a 'very moving email' from a Dr Kwantana in Lagos who is hoping to begin a new life in Canada.

Mr Darling said: "Naturally he wanted to transfer his assets to his new home and asked for my assistance.

"In keeping with our manifesto commitment of helping Africans to help themselves, I agreed to send him 25 million bank account details.

"In exchange for my role in this surprisingly simple transaction he has offered a generous commission which I believe will begin to offset the £25bn I have given to Northern Rock and which – we are all now starting to realise – is never, ever going to be paid back.

"Not in a million years. No siree. Not a snowball's chance in hell."

Mr Darling added: "Our new relationship with this gutsy Nigerian not only raises Britain's standing in the international community, but will deliver real value for the British taxpayer. I commend it to the House."

The Kwantana email in full:

Hello dear lovely friend and I am introducing myself at you as Dr Jericho Kwantana MD.

Most recently since birth I have been leaving Nigeria to start my new life in Canadia but due to and because of international bank lawings, good Nigerian doctors like I and myself are unable to be allowed to make huge and large inter-continental money transferings to the Bank of Torontoro.

Dearest lovely friend, I have in a prized Zurich account-hole waiting 21 billions dollar money. I am able and ready to transfer this cash bomb to you and if able to hold and send to my wife in Canadia, I will make the kind offer to you of full 10 percentage of totals.

I hope with sincerity and much enthusiasms that you are able to look kindly upon my Canadian ambitions. One last and final pleading to you: In order for transactions to overtake speedily, I require that you send to me very kindly the sort code and account number of every British person.

With the kindness and prayers of Jesus,

Your Friend Jericho Kwantana.

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Churches Condemn Plan For Giant Lesbians

BRITAIN'S most senior clergymen last night condemned plans to use IVF technology to create gigantic lesbians in test tubes.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor said the lesbians were planning to create an army of 100ft tall super-beings that would rampage across the country crushing churches under their massive heels.

He added: "One day soon Westminster Cathedral will be reduced to a pile of rubble, destroyed by the demonic union of science and homosexuality.

"God's plan for the world is to persecute people for being in love, not to grow more of these perverts in a jar."

Meanwhile John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York, told the House of Lords: "The great tragedy is that these 100ft tall, 60 ton agents of destruction will grow up without fathers.

"Contrary to claims made by secular liberals, a father can play a pivotal role in the life of a massive, test-tube generated killing machine."

But the claims were rejected by the Institute for Lesbians and Curious Teenagers.

A spokeswoman said: "We plan to use our humongous lesbians for peaceful purposes such as agriculture and orgasms.

"And I would point out that a really big bull-dyke can be every bit as manly as an Alan Titchmarsh or a Jude Law."