'I Was There'

Great Moments in Sport, no. 87: Joe Pesci remembers the 2003 London Marathon

I HAD the privilege of witnessing my first London Marathon a few years ago when some business associates and myself were in town to take care of this thing. To many, this fucking global event conjures up images of thousands of deadbeats running 26 miles dressed as fucking turkeys in order to raise awareness for retards with learning difficulties.

Okay, back to my fucking story. It was a beautiful spring morning and I’d gone out to get the fucking papers.

I kinda noticed that there was this big group of morons gathered by the road, cheering on some fat fuck who was out jogging.

‘What the fuck is going on here?’ I asked this one guy. ‘It’s the London Marathon, mate’. This guy had a real fucking attitude. So I cracked the degenerate mumbling, stuttering mutt on the head a few times with this, like, heavy-duty Sunday newspaper I’d just bought – ‘Ping! Pow!’, and he falls to the floor like the big sack of shit that he is, clutching his head in agony and crying like a big fucking baby.

Then I pull out the Lifestyle Supplement, roll it up real fucking tight and tell the dumb asshole that if he doesn’t stop his stupid fucking whining, I’m going to shove it up his sorry fucking ass, sideways – fucking spoil my relaxing city break in England’s historic fucking capital.

For those of you who’re interested, some skinny fuck from Ethiopia won, and I went out and got laid – how’s that for a happy fucking ending?

As told to Matt Owen

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Footballers Spent Nurse Cash On Emergency Supercars

PREMIERSHIP footballers who pledged to donate a day's wages to a nurses' campaign have instead spent the money on some more cars, it has emerged.

More than 250 players agreed to make donations to the Nurses Are Better Than You campaign, but the majority later decided to go shopping in Park Lane instead.

One Aston Villa star was forced to withdraw his pledge after buying a £130,000 Bentley Continental GT because his £130,000 Porsche 911 smelled of what is now his third favourite brand of aftershave.

A spokeswoman for the campaign said: "To be honest a lot of the players weren't 100% clear on what nurses actually were.

"A couple of lads in the Newcastle squad thought they were used for holding change and keys."

She added: "Some of the more intelligent players had a vague idea but changed their minds when they found out we weren't dying or crippled.

"Most of them were very nice about it. They either phoned or got someone to write saying that while nurses were propbaly useful they weren't as useful as a Bugatti Veyron.

"That's 800 grand of serious motor, so you can see their point."

The spokeswoman said that despite the setback the Nurses are Better Than You campaign will continue because, "at the end of the day, nurses are better than you".

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