A lot of you are probably about to have a total benny because it’s Christmas and you’ve already been drinking too much, you haven’t done any of your shopping and more importantly you’re unlikely to get that many presents of significant value.
I’d like to say I understand your problems but I’m in Thailand with my wife Pae Pwang-O’Connor maxing, relaxing and watching her play tennis in a bikini and heels. In addition I’m getting laid on a daily basis (as per the agreed timetable) drinking Sangthip whiskey and monitoring my financial portfolio online. Beat that! You can’t.
Alright I’m drunk, whatever, I’ve been on the Sangthip since lunch, but what I’m saying is very real and if you don’t believe me ask the people that what Morris says is mad real. If they don’t say good things about me they should, everyone should respect me, I’m a lil’ dude, right? Hey Pae that ball was out! You little toad, god I could just… kiss for Morris?… okay fine later.
Hey guys, sorry, distracted. I miss Tescos, how is it? Is it busy? Are people buying loads of shit they don’t need and pushing chocolates into their beaky little mouths? Yes! The corporate machine marcheth on! Are people wandering through the car park eating mince pies on the go? They do that in Frome all the time, like they’re too busy to get home and eat a pie, they’ve got do it while they’re walking to their car.
I’m getting a snow machine for the beach. Beat that! You can’t. A bad thing happened yesterday guys I got mugged at 5am in the morning. I was driving on a mountain road back to Koh Samui on my scooter with Pae and these three little bandits pulled up on another scooter and asked me where Lamai Beach was. The next thing I know one had a gun in my face and I freaked out shouting ‘don’t shoot, I’ve got a great future in self help’ (which I have). The guy with the gun was shaking like a leaf, but Pae told me to stop screaming and just chuck them my wallet, which I did and then I fucked off into the jungle.
Pae was pretty pissed off with me this morning for leaving her with the bandits, which I do feel bad about, but to be honest I haven’t ruled out that it could have been an inside job as they didn’t try and mug her. The ordeal has made me reflect on the Christmas season and what the real meaning of it should be about. I’m worried my reflection has been tainted by the fact I’m lonely out here and I currently I don’t fully trust my wife even though she is smoking hot. My real advice this Christmas is stick with a trusted group of people and/or business executives, buy stuff and think about getting a gun.
Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of I’m Drunk and I Feel Weird and Everyone Should Respect Me, Right?