Top Cat's Desert Island Discs

Okay, gang – that’s right I’m talking about all you groovy cats out there – let’s spin a disc that everyone knows – why even that uncool non-feline Officer Dibble will know this one. 

The first time these furry ears of mine got a load of it I was over on the East Side watching an episode of Wallander – yeah that’s right daddio, I dig that Wallander cat, I dig his solemnity and I dig his theme tune.

Anyways – that crazy Wallander theme tune. There we all were one night, sat on the ledge of this apartment looking into someone’s living room with Chooch, Benny and the rest of the gang, eating fish heads and shooting the breeze – yeah, we was having a real ball. “Hey TC, why’s there writing all over the TV screen?” asks Benny as he takes a big slurp on his Sarsaparilla, so I says, “because it’s in a different language you butter brain – thems are speaking Swedish”.

Then Brains pipes up with “hey, eh…..why aren’t they, eh….like, speaking American like we’s do, TC?”. And I comes back with, “you means English dummy – not American, we speak English, and if you don’t mind I’d like to concentrate on the TV show and who it was that murdered the guy what drove the snow plough”.

Officer Dibble is always on my case for one thing or another but you know what I likes about him? We’re both fans of the groovy composer, John Barry. So I’m thinking if I choose something by him, I’ll be in Dibble’s good books. Maybes he could make sure that Fancy’s kidnapping and firearms charges go away if I play The Theme From The Persuaders on a loop for the next two hours .

All good things must come to an end daddio, and my final record is a real doozie – yes, that’s right people I’ve picked the  Meow Mix Jingle – why I could just eat these lyrics up and wash them down with a giant saucer of full fat milk….

I want chicken
I want liver
Meow Mix Meow Mix
Please Deliver
(Repeat with beef, rabbit and duck )

Book choice? Well folks, I certainly won’t be taking any Garfield books with me, that’s for sure. He’s nothing more than an Uncle Tom. I’ll probably just go with Wolf Hall.

My one luxury would have to be the Cagney and Lacey box set. I dig that Sharon Gless although I ain’t got so much time for the other broad.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE Lance Armstrong drug scandal has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

Armstrong has been stripped of the seven Tour de France titles that bored people so comprehensively between 1999 and 2005.

Now campaigners want to seize the latest chance to end cycling in all its monstrous varieties and have all bicycles confiscated, melted down and turned into cars.

Tom Logan, chairman of Please Shut Up About Cycling, said: “Everyone knows that the best way to make something more interesting is to throw a load of drugs at it.

“But with cycling it simply didn’t work. Instead – and this may seem outlandish – it actually made it even more tedious.

“It’s a large group of obsessives travelling at 25 miles per hour. If you came across them on a country road you would hate their fucking guts.”

Logan also stressed that nothing was more symbolic of Britain’s decline than its hysterical pride ‘in a bunch of shaved robots’.

“Sideburns and bowling shoes do not a personality make. If he had a four foot-wide handlebar moustache and wore a shocking pink mini-kilt then that would be a start. But it doesn’t really matter because ultimately he’s still just a dreary knee-pumper.”

Logan praised Armstrong adding: “For every Wiggins, Hoy and Pendleton who inspires a child to get on a bike, we need a Lance Armstrong to shame them into getting straight back off again.

“And to all those who say that cycling is the ‘answer’, I say ‘shut your face’.

“Electric cars, GM crops and stem cell research – there’s your answer.”