Why You All Buggering Off To Airport?

By Azam Al-Maktar, shopkeeper, Basra

MY dear British friends, why you leave?

By Azam Al-Maktar, shopkeeper, Basra

MY dear British friends, why you leave? You come here four year ago and
say all will be great now that fat Sunni bastard in Baghdad is down
hole. I stand in street and cheer. I look very much forward to being
free and having aspirin and CNN. But it no happen and now you get in
tank and bugger off to airport. Are you on holidays or are you having up
to here with all the shit?

Four year ago I say to my friend Nouri, I say: “British are hard men, they no take any piss from Mehdi bastard. They show Mehdi bastard how it is now.” Nouri say to me that Mehdi bastard have many trick up sleeve and British boys not even know why they here anyhow. Turn out Nouri right. Turn out Nouri not total shithead. Turn out Nouri is Mehdi bastard too.

Saddam, he sure was one fat Sunni bastard. But after while you get used to fat bastard and get on with life. Then shithead Saudi bastards fly plane into banks and funny little Bush blame fat Sunni bastard in Baghdad.

Saddam very like my uncle Karim. Bad temper, lot of guns but could not organise pot of tea in tea shop. He no fly plane into banks. But funny Bush still want Iraq. Nouri say to me it about oil and fat American who drive to end of street to buy food covered in cheese. Turn out Nouri right about that too. Mehdi bastard.

So Americans come and British come and they flatten post office. I no like man who work in post office but still I say, post office come in handy. Next night they come and flatten Uncle Karim’s house. We found his foot. I keep shoe. Come in handy.

Then Mehdi bastards start pushing around and say we all friends with Iran. Iran! With crazy bastard president who look like driver of bus!

Before British come I walk down street, past big photo of fat Sunni bastard and buy cup of tea. Now photo of fat Sunni bastard is gone but tea shop gone too. In fact, tea shop spread over wide area. And I just want cup of tea.

So goodbye my dear British friends and thank you for killing fat Sunni bastard in Baghdad and turning my home into big stinking bag of shit. One day you come back and tell me what it all about? Yes?

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

RMT Using Tube Tunnels To Rehearse 'The Mikado'

LONDON tube drivers are using strike action as a cover so they can stage last-minute rehearsals of their new production of The Mikado.

The RMT union has closed off more than 80% of the network despite repeated claims from leader Bob Crow that the action was in protest at an increase in chubby fund managers on the Central Line.

An RMT insider said: "It all started at last year's TUC conference when Bob was boasting about how brilliant our Mikado would be.

"Paul Kenny of the GMB took exception and started screaming about how his production of HMS Pinafore would not only be miles better, but they'd do it with less rehearsal time than us.

"Bob Crow is not a man who shies away from a challenge. He also happens to be a bloody brilliant Yum-Yum."

The source added: "Most of the shutdown is for main chorus rehearsal. But this is also a very modern production and we've incorporated quite a bit of improv which means we've had to use other bits of the network for character workshopping."

Commuter Roy Hobbs, from High Barnet, who uses the unaffected Northern line said: "Strangely enough I was standing on the platform at Tottenham Court Road the other day and I thought I heard a very faint and if I may say, massively under-rehearsed, rendition of 'Three Little Maids'.

"I assumed it was a mobile ringtone, but now you come to mention it, it all makes perfect sense."

The GMB's Paul Kenny added: "If you think you know Pinafore, think again."

Next story ›