A form letter of no confidence for Tory MPs with writer's block

ARE you a Tory MP? Have you written your letter to the 1922 Committee yet? Here is an easy template to follow:

Dear 1922 Committee,

First, happy 100th birthday!

Second, I regret that I am writing to express my lack of confidence in the prime minister/that mendacious shitbag who’s f**ked everything up from a flying start/Carrie’s husband.

Over the last two years since he took office/21 years since he was made an MP/57 years since this ungodly creature was spawned, Boris Johnson has sadly proved himself unfit for his position.

While I bear no grudge against a valued colleague and friend/hate the twat for f**king me over in 2019, I have not allowed that to affect my decision. This is purely professional/the sweetest revenge I have ever taken.

I find his explanation of the party incident to be not entirely convincing/entirely convincing because he’s a blithering dickhead/career-ending bullshit, and believe the matter settled/he’s f**ked it/he should have blamed Carrie.

I thank Boris for his selfless service and am certain he will always be remembered as a great statesman/The Shagger/the one who was worse than the last one and she was worse than the one before that and he was bollocks.

Sadly it is time for him to leave office and write his Shakespeare book/admit to another five illegitimate children/piss off to Florida with his shithead mate Trump/divorce Carrie.

I look forward to a bright future in a Conservative party led soberly and responsibly by Sunak/Truss/Raab/Patel/f**k me, is that the best we’ve got? We’re f**ked.

Yours,

[Enter your name and constituency here. If you don’t know your constituency ask a spad.]

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Why haven't you f**ked off yet?

BORIS Johnson has arrived at work to face one burning question from his party and the country: why haven’t you f**ked off yet?

Following his flimsy excuse that he did not realise a garden filled with friends and colleagues swigging drinks was not a party, the prime minister for the time being at least has been asked by everyone why he is still here.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Didn’t the chorus of thundering boos at yesterday’s PMQs make it clear we want you to piss off? Yeah? So what the f**k are you still doing here?

“Your job’s done. You f**ked up Brexit, you f**ked up your party’s image, and now you’ve f**ked up yourself. There’s nothing else left to f**k up, so put your personal stuff in a cardboard box and bugger off.”

Voter Margaret Gerving said: “Maybe this is all part of the three-dimensional chess game Boris is playing with the country. By tomorrow he’ll be leading in the polls again after executing his genius strategy.

“Either that or he’s such a f**king idiot he doesn’t know when the game is up. It’s hard to tell.”

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