A 'Who the f*ck are these mad b*stards?' guide to Johnson's new cabinet

BORIS Johnson has replaced the entire cabinet with fanatical Brexiters who have sworn a blood oath of loyalty to him. What the f*ck and who the f*ck? 

Sajid Javid, chancellor

The rest of the cabinet have a trick they play on Javid, where they point at a random person and say ‘He supports Islamic terrorism’ and watch Javid wrestle him to the ground. Then they laugh and tell him it was a joke. But he always does it again the next time. 

Priti Patel, home secretary

One of many cabinet members already blooded with her first sacking scandal, Patel enjoys no-deal Brexits, kidnapping pets, setting fire to barns and hatred. Believes that any sort of problem is your own fault and you deserve it. 

Dominic Raab, foreign secretary

A Brexiter so fervently patriotic he is practically American, Raab despises foreigners and can barely be restrained from headbutting them. The current thinking is that this is exactly what the position needs. 

Michael Gove, chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster

Strange in every way and possibly not human, but will go on telly when Boris can’t be arsed, which will be often. 

Stephen Barclay, Brexit secretary

In charge of sorting out Britain’s no-deal exit, which by definition requires him to say and do nothing in order to succeed effortlessly. Even so, he will probably manage to f*ck it up. 

Liz Truss, international trade secretary

A Boris Johnson backer for years, all Truss has got out of it is this bullsh*t non-job. An object lesson in what you get for backing Boris Johnson. 

Andrea Leadsom, business secretary

Leadsom plans to tell all businesses that their first duty is to support the Conservative Party’s ideological goals, give the party all their money and crush the party’s enemies. When told that’s technically communism, she will smile vacantly, as if her brain has been removed.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, leader of the Commons

You know when a second-year law student decides they’ll get themselves off their drink-driving charge by referencing the Carters & Drovers Act of 1641, and instead gets three months in prison? That’s what will happen here. 


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Man who says 'I'm not being funny' never funny

A MAN who says “I’m not being funny” is never about to say something funny and is just going to be an unpleasant dick about something.

Whenever they hear the ominous phrase, office worker Stephen Malley’s friends and co-workers brace themselves for a verbal onslaught about anything from their new haircut to ‘trannies’.

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Steve said he ‘wasn’t being funny’ then asked if I could stop laughing in an annoying way. He was right, it wasn’t funny, it was really awkward.

“Another time he used the phrase as a lead-in to his opinion that there are too many black people on TV. That definitely wasn’t funny. Everyone went quiet and there wasn’t a single titter.”

Other topics Malley has not been funny about include immigration, ‘benders’ and whether office administrator Sally should be eating those biscuits due to being a “large lass”.

Hollis added: “Basically Steve’s opinions are about as welcome as a burst haemorrhoid. I’m not sure why he even mentions being funny when he could just say ‘I’m about to be a tw*t’.”

Malley said: “I’m not being funny, but women are a nightmare, aren’t they?”