All Tory promises are to fix something they f**ked

EVERY Conservative electoral promise is to fix something which was fine before they f**ked it up, it has emerged. 

A new pledge to recruit 8,000 police officers to deal with crime caused by the austerity-era axing of police is the latest half-hearted Tory promise to repair something they have broken as long as you do not say they did it.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “So far they’re protecting pensioners from the cost-of-living crisis they caused, cutting taxes they raised, and giving high-earners back the child benefit they took away. F**king thanks.

“Oh, and we’re getting back some of the GPs they got rid of. And they might reduce waiting lists, if enough people die. And cut immigration back to where it once was.

“What an impressive offer. I haven’t been so won round since the waiter who unzipped his flies and urinated all over our table offered to get us a fresh tablecloth in return for a handsome tip.

“And it just makes you notice all the damage they’re not offering to fix. University fees? Housing shortage? Climate crisis? Not dumping shit in the sea? Brexit?”

A Conservative spokesman said: “Oh, bad luck, you mentioned Brexit so you’re not allowed to vote. Please turn in your polling card.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Couple tried for baby five times last night

A COUPLE trying for a baby tried a creditable five times in the last 24 hours using a variety of techniques, they have confirmed. 

Nicky Hollis and Tom Booker, who have decided the time is right for them to have a child, did not cease trying until both of them were sore, spent and thoroughly satisfied at around 1am.

Hollis said: “Well, when you’re trying you’re trying, aren’t you? No point in half-measures. We’re trying good and bloody hard.

“We’re ready for kids, we’ve got the dog, the mortgage and the king-sized bed, and I’m in my 30s so I’m not taking any chances. What if I don’t get pregnant because we’d not done reverse cowgirl? I’d regret it.

“So we’ve covered all bases: missionary, doggystyle, spooning, him pulling my hair and spanking me, and me giving him a little loving choke. For future generations.”

Booker agreed: “We’re dedicated to continuing our lineage, and that gets me bang hard, which is why we’ve been going at it like rabbits in f**k season. I want to give my swimmers every chance to do their thing.

“Trying for a baby is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. God, I hope it takes a few months.”