Subscribe

Angela Rayner to come back played by different actress

ANGELA Rayner is to return to cabinet but played by a noticeably different actress, Labour have confirmed.

The member for Ashton-under-Lyne will still be red-haired and bear a resemblance to her previous portrayal, but will have a markedly different chin and be an estimated five to ten years younger.

Constituent Thomas Booker said: “So that’s why they wrote her out of Cabinet on such a flimsy pretext, and why we haven’t seen hide nor hair of her since.

“Did they really think we wouldn’t notice? Literally six months away and we’d just be like ‘Yeah, she’s got red hair and blue eyes, I reckon that’s her’? She’s one of the main characters of this government, for f**k’s sake.

“That said I’ll give this new one a chance, but it’s still jarring. What will they do for flashbacks to the two months in 2024 when this government was popular? CGI I suppose.”

Angela Rayner said: “I am Angela Rayner, I have always been Angela Rayner, any memories you have to the contrary are false and should be disregarded. This also applies to any electoral promises to improve Britain you may dimly remember.

“It’s only because I’m distinctive anyone’s spotted it. We’re on our fourth Wes Streeting.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Special relationship saved for years to co- oh, it's f**ked again

THANKS to the King’s visit, relations between the US and the UK have been restored for – no, scratch that, they are in the shitter again.

The ‘special relationship’ between Britain and the United States has been permanently repaired unless President Trump has one of his regular changes of heart which has just happened and now it is ruined once more.

Foreign correspondent Martin Bishop said: “Things were looking pretty precarious there. Luckily you can rely on the King to… no. Forget it.

“I thought His Majesty’s charm offensive had won Trump over. However the president has just furiously attacked us on Truth Social. He must have remembered his bullshit case against the BBC or how we refused to join in the Iran disaster that’s entirely his fault. So it goes.

“Pity really. That was a new dawn of Western diplomacy while it lasted. No stupid split in NATO over an obvious aggressor, Russia, and we could have had sane trade talks not based on random tariffs Trump doesn’t understand himself.

“Now, none of that will happen. He’ll be back to posting deranged rants about sanctioning Marmite or nuking Kent. But for five seconds, historians will agree things looked pretty rosy.”

The King said: “I did you a solid but I’m f**ked if I’m doing that again. Get David Attenborough or Stephen Fry to talk some sense into him, I’m out.”

Next story ›