'April Fool!' shout desperate Tories

‘APRIL Fool!’ the Tories have announced, ‘The last 13 years were just a big prank! We’re starting governing seriously from now on!’

The Conservatives have revealed that everything from David Cameron becoming prime minister onwards, including austerity, Brexit, Boris Johnson, the cost-of-living crisis and Liz Truss, were one long elaborate practical joke.

Rishi Sunak, with a grin pasted to his face, said: “Haha! We totally got you! You all thought we were serious!

“It’s been tough keeping a straight face all this time as we got more and more ridiculous. We kept thinking, surely you’ll rumble us. Surely they can’t keep thinking all this is for real.

“But no, you were totally fooled and really believed the venerable Tory party, which has been running this country for more than 200 years, had become an absolute joke that cocked up everything it touched. Well, the joke’s on you!

“Honestly, you should see your faces right now. You really thought Theresa May and her Brexit strops were real? Boris Johnson? You honestly believed Liz Truss was someone who a serious country would put in charge? Hilarious!

“Anyway, joke’s over now and none of the previous 13 years counts. Please vote accordingly in the May elections. Thank you.”

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May as well finish the pack, says man opening first can of six-pack

A MAN feels it is his duty to neck the rest of the six-pack after opening a single can of lager. 

Having cracked open his first can of Grolsch, Martin Bishop has somehow reached the conclusion that not opening the other five – which will safely keep for another 24 months – would cause them to ‘go to waste’. 

Eyeing up the remaining cans, Bishop said: “Anyone who knows me knows that I hate to leave a job half-finished. Mark my words – these cans will not survive the evening.

“Now that I’ve broken the seal on one of them, there’s a risk the others will grow mould and become toxic. Can we be sure they won’t? I’m not a f**king scientist so it’s best to play it safe and polish them off.

“Let’s face it, the evening’s only going one way, and that’s me ending up face down on the sofa when I’ve responsibly taken the decision not to waste a further six cans.”

Wife Margaret Bishop said: “He thinks you’re supposed to drink them all in one go because they sell them together like that. It’s not Grolsch’s fault he’s an imbecile.

“You should see him working his way through the entirety of a multipack of crisps. I’m sure he’ll try putting on all six condoms in a packet one of these days. Which should be interesting when you factor in the brewer’s droop.”