So your former leader is on trial? A guide to what to expect from the UK

THE unthinkable has happened. Your former leader is on trial for breaking the law. This is what will happen next, according to a country that has been there and done that.

The press will defend someone obviously guilty

When incompetent shagger Boris Johnson was hauled over the coals, the press sprang into action to limit the damage. Sarah Vine rubbed herself raw with her keyboard then published the results, the Daily Star ran a front page with an amusing Photoshop, and they all said Keir Starmer was the real story. Expect the New York Post and Newsday to do the same.

The accused will act appallingly in court

You’d think a court summons would cause someone to pause and reflect on their actions. Hahaha. If your guy’s anything like ours he’ll take verbal swipes at the jury and bristle with narcissistic contempt throughout the hearing. You Yanks like to do everything bigger and better than us, so Trump will probably try to fire the judge or get QAnon nutters to shoot them.

The truth will get lost in the spectacle

Trials are supposed to agree on the truth via a cold evaluation of the evidence. But in high-profile cases like this, facts are prioritised by how juicy they are. Phrases like ‘porn star’, ‘adulterous affair’ and ‘$130,000’ will dominate the headlines, whereas more important but boring ones like ‘systematic tax fraud’ will only make it into news reports to pad out the word count.

Both sides will double down

Republicans will not fling their MAGA hats onto a big bonfire and suddenly support Biden. Democrats will not stay true to their sanctimonious posturing by offering an olive branch to their humiliated rival. Instead, both sides will politicise the hearing according to their own agenda and your broken democracy will stagger on as before. Ours has.

Nothing will really change

Discovering your former leader is a criminal should be an opportunity for change, or at least prison. A time to think about how your country became a cesspit of corrupt, ethics-free governance. It should be, but it won’t. Instead, Trump will swagger out of court and embark on his political comeback as if nothing of consequence just happened. Because it didn’t.

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Can you beat your partner at having the most stressful week? Take our quiz

YOUR partner will claim they’ve had a stressful week, but what about poor old you? Take our quiz and find out if you can win the war of workplace martyrdom.

Your partner gets home later than usual, complaining about working extra hours. Do you say:

A) That’s awful, you must be knackered.

B) I should be so lucky. I’ve still got a mountain of emails to reply to. Better get back to it. (Pained sigh.)

Your partner had four hour-long meetings in one day. Your response?

A) Poor you.

B) List every meeting you’ve had this week, focusing on how they’re somehow much more draining by Zoom than your partner’s in-person ones, which are a fun social gathering.

Your partner’s lunch break got cut short due to deadlines. How do you reply?

A) Oh, I hope you found time to eat something.

B) I’ve been too busy to eat, all I’ve had is 15 cups of coffee.

Your partner is finding the long commute tough. What do you say to comfort them?

A) Never mind, it’s the weekend now.

B) You’re fortunate, it’s doing my head in working from home. It’s like solitary confinement, but worse.

Your partner is struggling to sleep due to career anxiety. What do you say?

A) Try not to worry, you’ll go straight to sleep when your brain switches off.

B) Yeah, can you get some sleeping pills or something because your tossing and turning is keeping me awake and I can’t afford to be exhausted next week.

Mostly As: You lost. Sure, you can feel proud you had a stressful week but were too stoical to trouble your tired partner with it, but that won’t take away the stench of failure.

Mostly Bs: You won! Your partner has to concede that yes, you’ve had a much more stressful week than them. This may be screamed at you, possibly accompanied by an object thrown at your head.