Are you an old-school hard-left tosser?

ARE you the sort of left-winger who’s stuck in a 1970s timewarp of revolutionary rhetoric and an obsession with Israel? Take our quiz and find out.

What concerns British people at the moment?

A) Brexit, Tory bastards and shitty public services.

B) The Palestinians and Israel. Definitely not their nan sitting on a trolley for five hours in hospital.

What do you think of the sitcom Citizen Smith?

A) It’s a pretty funny portrayal of 1970s revolutionary types.

B) I am so humourless I believe it is an affecting drama about a brave comrade’s struggle against bourgeois indifference.

Who do you hate most in politics?

A) Cynical, self-serving individuals like Theresa May and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

B) My former friend Dave, who broke away from the SWP to join a splinter CPGP group, betraying his RCP comrades and…” [Continues for some time with an alphabet soup of obscure organisations.]

Do you attend local council meetings?

A) Yes, they should really be sorting out the potholes on Cumberland Avenue.

B) Yes, I am engaged in a clever entryist plot to take over the Lib Dems and put Knutsford under the control of a Revolutionary People’s Committee, led by me.

What is the best way to achieve a more left-wing government?

A) Not easy – but vote Labour or tactically, and pressure your MP.

B) Spend all your time on Twitter ranting about Zionism, which, even if you’re not anti-semitic, fucking sounds like it and can easily be read by arsehole Daily Telegraph reporters.

How do you relax of an evening?

A) Pizza, bottle of wine, Netflix.

B) Pizza, bottle of wine, Marxist dialectic.

Mostly As: You seem quite normal. Revolutionary politics is probably not for you.

Mostly Bs: You are an old-school leftie. Still, at least you can get some media attention while you’re waiting for that pesky revolution that never comes.

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Lower middle class bellend aspiring to be upper middle class twat

A LOWER middle class man has made it his ambition to move up the social ladder but still be a twat.

Ambitious junior sales executive Tom Booker passionately explained his aspirations in the pub to friend Martin Bishop, who immediately began thinking of excuses to go home.

Booker said: “You’ve got to aim high in life, and by ‘high’ I mean a bigger house or newer car, not good deeds or any of that bullshit.

“By this time next year I won’t be wanking on tediously about getting a company Ford Focus, I’ll be wanking on tediously about buying a BMW. I’ll also probably mention having a Waitrose account as if that is incredibly impressive.

“I’ll be going skiing a lot, and giving the impression I am best friends with slightly posh doctors I meet. That really will mark me out as a twat.

“And then once I’m an upper middle class twat I can get to work on becoming a lower upper class arsehole. The sky really is the limit.”

Friend Bishop said: “It’s impossible to say whether Tom will achieve his social ambitions, but he will definitely always be a twat.”