THE prime minister has announced that the electorate of Batley and Spen can orally pleasure him after last night’s by-election result.
Johnson had hoped to consolidate his Blue Wall in the constituency but instead Labour held the seat and he invited all of its voters to perform a sex act upon him.
The prime minister said: “You bastards. You ungrateful Northern bastards. What did I ever do to you?
“Do you know how much harm this does to my narrative? I’m Boris. I reach the voters other Tories can’t. I’ve given you Brexit. But instead you all vote Labour like a bunch of f**king commie lemmings.
“Bad enough I lost Chesham to the Lib Dems, and now I can’t even charm a load of Northern monkeys. Hancock’s gone, what else do you want? Selfish pricks.
“You can forget about levelling up now. Bollocks to that. I’m cutting your funding and rerouting HS2 so it goes through your back gardens. Batley and Spen is dead to me.”
Independent candidate and noted arsehole George Galloway, who came third, said: “It’s not often I agree with Boris, but Batley and Spen can suck my balls.”