Friday, 6th December 2019

Boris and Carrie's guide to having a quiet night in

WITH Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds now properly moved in to Downing Street, the couple reveal how they spend charming Tory evenings together.

Definitely not having blazing rows 

Boris: Every moment Carrie and I spend together is wonderfully calm and tranquil, often consisting of just gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes for hours on end. And I wouldn’t say that unless it was true. 

Carrie: Yes. Our recent screaming altercation was actually a rehearsal for our am dram group’s production of a play called The Shouty People.

Japes

Boris: Downing Street is perfect for wizard japes - sliding down hallways in your socks, jumping on the beds, hiding in the attic. It takes me right back to Eton, not that I ever left. And you should see the cabinet room - I’ve turned it into a ‘boys only’ den with the secret password ‘Winston’.

Carrie: Yes, it really doesn’t p*ss me off being a professional woman and having to slide down the stairs on a tray every night.

Being evil Tories 

Boris: With my clownish image and Carrie being a modern young woman it’s easy to forget we’re still horrible Tories. Last night we had a lovely chat about how to cut taxes for our chums and reintroduce the idea of poorhouses in a palatable way. 

Carrie: Oiky types without jobs could live in a big sort of factory and make tea towels with the Queen on. You could visit them in one of those jolly hi-vis vests and a helmet. It’s a great PR opportunity.

Romantic dinners

Boris: What could be more romantic than a candlelit dinner, possibly with Dominic Cummings present, a good Winston Churchill documentary, then off to bed for a spot of rumpo?

Carrie: What indeed?