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Boris Johnson to be removed from history

FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson is not only to be removed from Grant Shapps’ photos but from all recorded history.

Work has already begun on eradicating embarrassing evidence that Johnson was ever prime minister and historians believe that by 2025 there will be no trace of his time in power left.

Professor Helen Archer said: “It’s a big task, but we’re helped by the fact that he did very little.

“For example, he did no interviews for the 2019 election, didn’t bother with most of the pandemic press conferences, and launched no policies, so our work’s done for us there.

“We’ve digitally removed him from footage of parliament, replaced him with Piers Morgan for the referendum campaign on the basis that one inexplicably popular twat journalist is as good as another, and burned his Churchill book. It was remaindered anyway.

“What’s helping us is that the public have really embraced the project. They don’t want to remember and they’re eager to pretend it never happened. Especially if they voted for him.”

She added: “Liz Truss? No, I’m sorry, I don’t know who you’re talking about. We’ve not erased her, I’m just drawing a blank.”

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Thom Yorke, and other people nobody will admit are terrible singers

THOM Yorke might be a creative genius but his singing sounds like a cat being squished between two breeze blocks. Here are some other tuneless bastards.

Thom Yorke

If you were feeling generous, you might describe the Radiohead frontman’s singing style as ‘haunting’. But you’re not so the truth is his high-pitched keening makes you feel like your ears are going to start bleeding. Don’t criticise him in front of a fan though, as you’ll be given a long, boring lecture on how ‘distinctive’ he sounds.

Bob Dylan

Dylan might write good songs but someone else should sing them, as the Byrds and Hendrix did, because his creaky, rasping warble instantly renders them dreadful. However, daring to voice the opinion that Dylan is overrated will see you shouted down by musos who insist music videos peaked with ‘Subterranean Homesick Blues’ even though ‘Thriller’ had zombies and ‘Money for Nothing’ blew you away with its advanced computer graphics.

Britney Spears

Britney’s voice isn’t actually a voice: it’s a carefully constructed artificial sound which is 30 per cent autotune and 70 per cent vocal fry. However, she’s got a cheery personality, a nice face and some great music videos so she’s fooled an awful lot of people into thinking that the thing she’s doing is singing. Anyone who’s seen her live will be quick to put them right.

Nico

Does Nico sing? Or does she honk like a goose stuck in a bread bin? It’s the latter, but fans of the Velvet Underground & Nico will insist that her delivery is actually languorously charming rather than a tuneless dirge that puts you to sleep then chases you around in your nightmares.

Ian Brown

The Roses were feted as one of the best bands of the 90s but Brown’s voice was a nasal Mancunian whine that makes Liam Gallagher sound like Adele. Singing wasn’t his strong suit, which is perhaps why he pursued a second career as a crackpot anti-vaxxer. Luckily no one remembers his solo effort with the lyrics: ‘Put your muzzle on, get back in your basket/ Get behind your doors cos living here is drastic.’

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