Boris Johnson's guide to coping when your dream job goes to shit

HAS the dream job you spent your whole pathetic life angling for turned to shit? Here, speaking from experience, the prime minister tells you how to cope.

Avoid it

Once you get down to it, even a dream job is just a bunch of boring meetings. Yawn. Spice things up a bit by dodging them and watching disasters escalate whilst you relax at your country residence. This is especially entertaining if the meetings are COBRA ones.

Pull a sickie

This always looks shady, so try to come down with something contagious and incurable so nobody asks any questions. Not only will you get time off but everyone will be super-nice to you when you return. Well, for a couple of weeks at least, until you f**k things up again.

Go on lots of holidays

If you haven’t signed an employment contract you can really rinse this one for all it’s worth. And if you’re clever you can schedule it for when all the really difficult work’s due. Put your ‘out of office’ on, trek to a remote Scottish cliffside, and don’t answer your phone.

Get someone else to do the hard bits

When people start realising you’re doing a terrible job, bamboozle them by making stuff up and giving it a cool name, like ‘Moonshot’. Then force an underling to sort out the impossible details of your insane idea, like I have with Matt Hancock.

Try to get fired

Can’t quit? Don’t worry, just do your job so badly that you’re forced out of it. You might have to go to desperate lengths like breaking the law or something, but it’ll be worth it in the long run when you’re writing your memoirs on Mustique and all this hard work bollocks is just a distant dream.

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Man leaving contact details on pub clipboard catches Covid from the pen

A MAN has caught coronavirus from the pen a pub provided for customers so they could write down their contact details.

Health-conscious pub goer Tom Booker became infected with Covid-19 in the short space of time between handling the pen and liberally applying sanitiser while maintaining social distance.

Booker said: “I guess I’ve only got myself to blame for putting my hand near my face. Although I also blame the pen for not being cleaned every five seconds. Plus the f**king bat that started all this.

“The only thing worse than catching an incurable life-threatening disease has been everyone pointing out how ironic this is. Even the bar staff were crying with laughter when I phoned to tell them the bad news.

“Still, I’ve been worried about getting coronavirus for months. If I ride this out then I guess it can’t get any worse.”

The same details Booker wrote down have since been used by a criminal to steal his identity.