Sunday, 1st November 2020

Priti Patel's neighbours gagging to report her

PRITI Patel’s neighbours are watching her house for any evidence of more than six people so they can immediately call the police, they have confirmed. 

The home secretary’s neighbours have cancelled their weekend plans in favour of intensive surveillance of the Patel home with the local constabulary on speed dial.

Helen Archer, who lives across the street, said: “Of course she’ll break her own rules. She’s a Tory. The only question is when.

“John who lives next door reckons she’ll have a barbecue this afternoon. Iris four doors up has put her money on a drinks party with her favourite lobbyists and oligarchs tonight.

“There are snoopers with binoculars on every side. The minute she crosses the six-person threshold she’s reported. Just like she asked for.”

The surveillance will end when the limit is breached, the police are called, and Patel executes the visiting constable with a single shot to the head before closing the door, unconcernedly leaving the body on the front steps.