Boris Johnson's tortured 3am thoughts about Dominic Cummings

EVER wondered what Boris Johnson really thinks about his chief adviser in the terrifying early hours of the morning? Here are his troubled thoughts.

I’ve got to sack the f**ker.

But he’s terrifying. His head looks like a skull with two rat eyes glued into it. Apparently sometimes it detaches from his body and floats around the room.

If I don’t get rid of him everyone will hate me forever. In fact they already do, apart from the Telegraph and nobody buys that except at train stations because it comes with a free bottle of water. Even then they just bin it.

He’s always saying things like “I could actually do a murder and get away with it because I’m so much cleverer than the police”. So he definitely might JFK me. He’d love it if the cops came to interview him and he was just sitting there at a chess set wearing a polo neck like a budget Hannibal Lecter.

Maybe I could get Gove to sack him? Would that work? Then he might kill Gove instead. Two birds, one stone.

Plus he’s got some serious shit on me. Oh Christ this is a nightmare. Maybe I could just jack it all in, buy a castle and some land, just ride around on a quad bike with a collie on the back.

That cow Emily Maitlis won’t shut up about this for weeks. When’s Love Island back on? That usually diverts the bovine masses. Or maybe I could say Primark’s reopened? Is Primark already open though? What else do they like? Chips? Rabid nationalism?

I’m so tired.

I really fancy Emily Maitlis.


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Mum drops off kids 72 hours early for reopening of school

A DILIGENT mother-of-two has left her children at the school gates a full three days before their new term starts on Monday.

Susan Traherne dropped off her children Mia and George with three days’ worth of sandwiches and water to make sure there was no danger of them failing to catch up with their studies.

Her main concern was their long-term educational prospects, but also the fact that they were screaming and attempting to put small change up either other’s noses.

She said: “I’ve really enjoyed home schooling. They’ve painted some awful portraits, shown no aptitude whatsoever for musical instruments, eaten all the food and asked endless mindless questions. 

“But as a responsible parent I felt now – as in ‘now, right now, this very second before I go insane’ – was the time for them to get back into mainstream schooling.

“I hosed them down in the garden, forced them into their uniforms under threat of violence and then jumped every red light on the school run. There’s nothing stronger than a mother’s love.”

Mia and George will spend the next three evenings sheltering in the school bike shed and rationing their packed lunches. Traherne is meanwhile celebrating her parenting triumph with her third large G&T.