Friday, 3rd July 2020

UK running out of ways to f**k this up

BRITAIN is quickly running out of ways to f**k up its handling of the coronavirus, according to experts.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies believe that unless the country thinks fast it will exhaust all of its options for failure within a fortnight.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The last week alone saw the UK’s ineptitude rating rise from ‘British cuisine’ all the way up to ‘penalty shootout’. At this rate we’ll need to invent things to go wrong.

“I thought we could delay screwing up the track and trace app until mid-June, but this week Matt Hancock cocked it up just as the government spunked all its political capital to save Dominic Cummings.

“All we’ve got left to make a pig’s ear of is the easing of lockdown and preventing a second wave. But it appears the government is working hard to make sure that nightmare scenario definitely happens.

“Oh and we’re still going ahead with Brexit. Still, at least Nando’s is open again.”