'Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]': A sneak peek at Sue Gray's report

CAN’T wait for Sue Gray’s report to drop? Get a taste of what it contains with this heavily-censored preview.

15 May 2020

The one where the Johnsons and Cummings were in the No. 10 garden. Ha, that sounds like the title of a Friends episode! Actually my favourite one is where Joey finds his identical hand twin. Okay, that’s filled a bit of space. Better get back to the parties.

20 May 2020

The infamous ‘bring your own booze’ party. If you were there you’ll know this was where Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]. Which is actually pretty impressive seeing as he was only there for 25 minutes. He was so [redacted] he put his [redacted] in [redacted]. Guests said it was [redacted] and they felt sick.

19 June 2020

Johnson’s 10-minute birthday party. Although as the philosopher Nadine Dorries pointed out, is a slice of cake with your tedious colleagues actually a party, or is it a painful yearly ritual inflicted on office workers? Anyone who’s had a workplace bash will agree it’s the latter. That’s good enough for me. Next.

November 2020

The truth is, shitloads of parties went on around here. Even that secret [redacted]-fuelled one with [redacted]-themed strippers the public doesn’t know about yet. But the rules were slightly ambiguous at this time so who cares?

18 December 2020

The period of Christmassy cheese and wine events. While the public spent the cancelled festive period home alone, Tory MPs and staff got together to enjoy miserable-looking platters. Luckily Allegra Stratton took the bullet for everyone like a good sport so we don’t need to dwell on these events any further. Plus I’m reaching the end of my word count.

16 April 2021

There were leaving events on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Notice how I didn’t say ‘parties’, even though everyone got hammered and they had to fetch extra supplies of booze in a suitcase. And someone left a [redacted] in the [redacted], which is something you only see at wild parties.

In conclusion, none of this matters because the police who turned a blind eye to all the [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] are taking over the investigation. Hope that helps.

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Morrissey sends angry open letter to Morrissey of 1983

MORRISSEY has launched an extraordinary broadside against his 1983 self, the lead singer of The Smiths.

After recently writing a similar ‘open letter’ to guitarist Johnny Marr, Morrissey has decided it is the ideal medium to convey his pomposity and unwavering sense of self-importance.

He alleged 1983 Morrissey was insufficiently anti-EU and had said unkind things about Margaret Thatcher, who talked a lot of sense, actually. He also accused his 1983 self of being too skinny and ‘flaunting your hips like a lady of the night’.

The letter read: “My mother always said ‘Don’t speak ill or the devil take the hindmost’ but I look at you and you’re a disgrace to sad, celibate losers in bedsits.

“I see you cavorting onstage with that dreadful, publicity-seeking little man Johnny Marr and that awful lefty group The Smiths, waving gladioli when you should be waving the Union Jack. 

“You sicken me with your depressing, stuck-in-the-50s, ‘I’ve got no friends’ schtick and hearing aid. A f**king hearing aid. Jesus, that was laying it on a bit thick.

“Thank goodness I got out of The Smiths. We all know my solo albums like Years of Refusal, Low in High School and I Am Not a Dog on a Chain will be remembered for decades, in fact centuries, after The Smiths are utterly forgotten.”

Morrissey of 1983 responded by sending an open letter to Johnny Marr telling him to give 2022 Morrissey a smack in the face.