CAN’T wait for Sue Gray’s report to drop? Get a taste of what it contains with this heavily-censored preview.
15 May 2020
The one where the Johnsons and Cummings were in the No. 10 garden. Ha, that sounds like the title of a Friends episode! Actually my favourite one is where Joey finds his identical hand twin. Okay, that’s filled a bit of space. Better get back to the parties.
20 May 2020
The infamous ‘bring your own booze’ party. If you were there you’ll know this was where Boris [redacted] while drunkenly [redacted] with [redacted]. Which is actually pretty impressive seeing as he was only there for 25 minutes. He was so [redacted] he put his [redacted] in [redacted]. Guests said it was [redacted] and they felt sick.
19 June 2020
Johnson’s 10-minute birthday party. Although as the philosopher Nadine Dorries pointed out, is a slice of cake with your tedious colleagues actually a party, or is it a painful yearly ritual inflicted on office workers? Anyone who’s had a workplace bash will agree it’s the latter. That’s good enough for me. Next.
The truth is, shitloads of parties went on around here. Even that secret [redacted]-fuelled one with [redacted]-themed strippers the public doesn’t know about yet. But the rules were slightly ambiguous at this time so who cares?
18 December 2020
The period of Christmassy cheese and wine events. While the public spent the cancelled festive period home alone, Tory MPs and staff got together to enjoy miserable-looking platters. Luckily Allegra Stratton took the bullet for everyone like a good sport so we don’t need to dwell on these events any further. Plus I’m reaching the end of my word count.
16 April 2021
There were leaving events on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral. Notice how I didn’t say ‘parties’, even though everyone got hammered and they had to fetch extra supplies of booze in a suitcase. And someone left a [redacted] in the [redacted], which is something you only see at wild parties.
In conclusion, none of this matters because the police who turned a blind eye to all the [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] are taking over the investigation. Hope that helps.