'A jury of ordinary people will empathise with my billionaire private island paedo friendship'

PRINCE Andrew is convinced that if he can just lay out the facts about his billionaire private sex island paedophile friendship before a jury, they will understand. 

The Duke of York believes a jury of 12 good men and true will empathise with his humble jet-setting Royal lifestyle and will accept that he is not guilty of all charges even if he technically is. 

He said: “I’m hoping for a jury of blue-collar ordinary working Joes from Long Island. Salt-of-the-earth types who’ll see that really I’m the same as them. 

“I’ll explain – or rather my lawyers will, I’ve been forbidden to take the stand – that I quite simply enjoyed Epstein and Maxwell’s company, and never found it suspicious they were always hanging around with attractive teenage girls unrelated to them. 

“I’ll admit that yes, I enjoyed being flown on a private jet to a private island, much the same as they might be impressed when a buddy gets a new pick-up truck. And yes I visited Epstein after his release from jail, just like they might stand by a buddy arrested for drink-driving. 

“We’ve all been let down by friends, haven’t we? Whether it’s a work chum performing badly on the bowling team or a lovely couple turning out to be sex traffickers. The jury will get that really I’m the victim in this.” 

He added: “I hope none of them want to go for a beer with me afterwards. I am ninth in line to the throne, you know.”

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Could you survive a year going out with Carrie Johnson?

THE PM’s latest lie came about from helping Carrie’s chum Pen Farthing rescue dogs from Kabul. So could you survive going out with high-maintenance Carrie? Play our interactive game.

1. Carrie wants you to get involved in her latest obscure cause that doesn’t merit government time, Save The Javanese Vomiting Otter. Do you give your support and send two aircraft carriers to evacuate the otters (go to 5) or decline (go to 3).  

2. Carrie says it’s time to redecorate. She wants the living room ceiling removed to make space for an 18-foot gold statue of her and you. She’s also got her heart set on some antique wallpaper from the court of Louis XVI. It all comes in at £10 million. Do you wearily email a party donor (go to 8) or tell her to get a bloody grip (go to 3).

3. Bugger. You’re in the no-sex spare bedroom. For a compulsive shagger like you this is hell. You won’t be doing this again. You’re even starting to wonder if it would be wrong to ask Dilyn if he’s up for it. Go to 4.

4. You’ve wasted so much time on stuff like endangered otters and holidays you do a speech for business leaders with zero preparation and make a complete arse of yourself. The gag ‘I’d boff Peppa Pig until she oinks!’ somehow does not go down well. Do you have a rethink (go to 6) or carry on obliviously (go to 2)?

5. You are a laughing stock. Luckily most of your backbenchers and ministers are spineless yes-men, careerist turds or loony Brexiters who want to nuke Belgium. You should easily get away with this. No sweat, as Prince Andrew might say. Go to 7.

6. You turn over a new leaf, rein in your unfunny larking about, and start taking the job of prime minister seriously. No, just kidding. As if that would ever happen with an egotistical chancer like you. Haha. Go to 7.

7. It’s your birthday, ie. an excuse for Carrie and her young mates to have a piss-up. You’d prefer a bottle of red and a nap in your study but she’s persuaded someone to give her a free £400 cake. Do you tuck in (go to 8) or skip it as you might get Covid anyway (go to 3). 

8. Shit. The press has got hold of the story. Well, the press didn’t do any actual journalism, they just got a text from Cummings, Sunak or some other malcontent. But the Sun, Mail and Times have turned against you and so have your gutless MPs. Go to 9

9. You refuse to resign, but it’s just prolonging the agony. Better see what’s worth nicking from Downing Street and brace yourself for the divorce papers from Carrie. Probably a good idea to do plenty of shagging and offset your losses a bit.